First names, or last...important?

[deeaa]

Hey,

There's plenty of people here from all around...I have a question. How important it is to remember people's names round where you are?

I always teach my pupils about speaking with american customers that you need to remember and use their names. It's been my experience that Americans in particular often even get insulted to a degree if you don't use their names in conversation, or appear not to remember them. And it's simply customary to greet people with their first names, like 'Hey John, how are you' and so on.

It's a slight problem, because it doesn't happen here. I mean, people do usually mutter their names when they meet the first time, but they're not used really. I can't remember the last time I actually spoke to someone and used their name in the process. Hell, I don't even _know_ the names of half my colleagues whom with I speak almost on a daily basis. I don't even try to remember the names of my pupils, although naturally over the 3-4 years I teach them some stick to mind. But generally, well, I might not come up with my mom's correct name if I was suddenly asked what it was, because I never use it.

I suppose people most often call children by first names, but not grownups any more. And when we were teenagers, we didn't really ever use our real names...some went by using only their last names, and many used some different name, like 'John' might be called 'Peter' just for some obscure reason, or 'John Winter' might be called 'Wintry' only or such. And that's how we'd also introduce ourselves to new acquaintances. Or just knew people 'the guy with the Suzuki RR' etc.

That's why it's slightly hard to try and remember names of people, and even use them too.

Even now, when I meet like my old friends, it's just like 'hey, how are you' or maybe 'Hey, what's up geezer' or with very good friends it's usually more like 'hey you old prick' or some other insult reserved for only the very best of friends. You know, the better the buddy, the uglier the greetings. And if they're really good friends, instead of how you're doing you'd start with like 'Is that shitty car of yours still holding together' or something. But hardly _ever_ the name is used. I even tend to use a different name in different band projects etc. and when I was working in the U.S. and people asked my name, I told them to call me whatever they wish, because nobody could pronounce my real name anyway. So they just called me whatever, and it's fine by me.

So, how important is remembering and using people's names for you?

[marnold]

I don't care if people remember me or not (I'm usually impressed if they do), but I always try to remember people's names. It's not something I come by naturally. I try to come up with some kind of mnemonic device. For example, a couple who were going to my church for a while were named Mike and Carol, so I just remembered "Brady Bunch" and then I remembered their names. I've also found that repeating their name right after they say it helps me remember it. My memory is such, though, that I will often briefly be unable to come up with someone's name, even someone I've known for years.

I will say that I was rather irritated when I bought my Jet City head and cab from Guitar Center or, more accurately, when I returned a couple of days later. The guy had forgotten to give me the manuals and I forgot to ask. So I called as soon as I got home and talked with the guy and asked him to find them and set them aside. (Note: it's about an hour trip one way for me to this GC). When I returned a couple of days later the guy not only didn't remember me, but he hadn't bothered to begin looking for the manuals, and didn't even remember selling it to me even though they had a grand total of one in stock. Both times I came in in a coat and tie which should have stuck out too.

[LeadedEL84]

I've always been one to participate in the traditional USA habit of shaking hands and exchanging names when I meet someone. However, I have always had the problem of letting the name go in one ear and out the other. I can't tell you how many times I've forgotten the name two minutes after I was told. It's always been a problem for me.
Well about 12 years ago when I started getting into jobs that were more people oriented in an office and business situation I learned quickly that this bad habit had to go. I started to practice a method of remembering the names that helped me commit them to memory. When we shake hands and the person says their name I repeat it right away. Example: We shake hands and they say " Hello I'm John". I will immediatly reply "Hello John, I'm Kevin". "Glad to meet you". Then I will follow up with something like: "So, John, what do you think of....." By using the name a few times it helps me remember. If I am introduced to a group I will do the same thing but I will alternate and practice the names as I speak to the group.
The job I worked for most of the last decade put me in a situations where I had to communicate and sometimes train people from all over the world in a somewhat specialized technical field. I found that most foriegners came prepaired and well studied on American social customs. While there was more of a gap in this area from different regions of the USA. I guess it is assumed we need not study eachothers social customs within the USA like we are all the same. I've had the experience of being an instructor for a group of people which included European,Asian,Latin American,Canadian, and verious regions of the USA people all in the same group. It was loads of fun seeing the interaction of the group and holding it all together with the varying degrees of English and difference in social customs. It was always interesting to say the least. I usually had success because I tried to do my homework to meet people half way. But it was also funny that many foriegners expected us to act like the stereo typical Americans they were prepaired for.
One thing that was pretty much universal all through the USA was the importance of names and the proper handshake.

[Tig]

I'm so-so on remembering names. Most people in the US are about the same from what I've experienced.

For people that I respect, I use their first names. In the workplace I use "Mr ____" when I have to, as in certain higher-up's in a company expect it. I've also worked for CEO's that were cool and expect you to just call them their first name. When talking to an elderly person, like a neighbor, where showing respect means using "Mr ____", I have no problem. That's just the way we were brought up.

[deeaa]

Yes, Mr. and sir and such are also hard for us, we have no words like those really. Or using one would sound archaic, like 'my liege' or something. But we address elderly people etc. in plural often to signal respect.

[otaypanky]

When I was in sales for Mercedes Benz I'll never forget the reaction from a young couple, Tom and Kelly, when after two years since their first visit to the dealership, they returned and I remembered both of their names. Well, she was pretty hot ~~~ kind of hard to forget, so I had that advantage going for me.
Now in my own little business, when I am carrying on email correspondence with people, I most always use their names more than once in a single email. I have always found it helps cement a relationship and makes it more friendly and secure, especially with folks who have never met me but are only dealing with me via email.
In 'real life', I always use names and often come up with my own personal nickname for my friends as well.

[hubberjub]

When I was in sales for Mercedes Benz I'll never forget the reaction from a young couple, Tom and Kelly, when after two years since their first visit to the dealership, they returned and I remembered both of their names. Well, she was pretty hot ~~~ kind of hard to forget, so I had that advantage going for me.
Now in my own little business, when I am carrying on email correspondence with people, I most always use their names more than once in a single email. I have always found it helps cement a relationship and makes it more friendly and secure, especially with folks who have never met me but are only dealing with me via email.
In 'real life', I always use names and often come up with my own personal nickname for my friends as well.


Yep, I too worked in car sales for a few years. That was one of the things they told you to do. Use the person's name as often as possible.

[marnold]

Yes, Mr. and sir and such are also hard for us, we have no words like those really. Or using one would sound archaic, like 'my liege' or something. But we address elderly people etc. in plural often to signal respect.
That "majestic plural" (as it was called when I studied Hebrew) isn't used anymore in English, except Queen Elizabeth might refer to herself as "we" from time to time. At least she did back in the day. Haven't listened to too many of her speeches lately.

[Zip]

Living in the deep, dark South of the USA, I have the advantage of referring to every male as 'Bubba', and all females as "Yo, Shorty!" :)

[kiteman]

Saying the person's name aloud is what helps the memory as el84 stated. Saying anything aloud like, "I gotta get milk" should help when you stop by a friend's house before you hit the store.

You should realize we do the same with guitars by internalizing the tones. :)

[R_of_G]

That "majestic plural" (as it was called when I studied Hebrew) isn't used anymore in English, except Queen Elizabeth might refer to herself as "we" from time to time.

What the Dude refers to as the "royal we" in The Big Lebowski.

I remember names rather well.

[deeaa]

I guess it's also a memory thing.

Well, I've become addicted to PDA's...have to check everything from them. Like at work, I check when's the next lesson&which room, and check again in five, then check again at least once more when I'm already walking there. I don't know what I'd do without it. Got everything there with 15-minute timetables. Also dates and shopping lists. I still can't remember dates like my son's birthday etc. at all. I'm also very thankful for these keychains and keychain wallets; have had all my keys and wallet in chains attached to my belt for half a decade. I'd never remember to bring them along otherwise. And for the rest of the stuff I use these carbine/climbing hooks I attach to belt so they tag along as well. Passwords are a nightmare, and even though I've had the same PIN code for my creditcard for over 15 years, last night I spent a good five minute trying to remember what it was. I also use the same code for my phone PIN and still I have had to call the operator a few times when I've forgotten it, LOL.

The only thing I'm happy about concerning my bad memory is I can give the same lecture a gazillion times and tell the same jokes over and over again and it still feels fresh and I don't feel like I've said the things so many times over a decade already, hahahaha...

[Bloozcat]

One of the basic points in Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, is: "Remember that a man's name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in any language." That and smiling when you meet someone for the first time is some of the best advice for making a positive impression.

I have a friend who likes to say, "You can say anything to someone as long as you say it with a smile."

[Eric]

What the Dude refers to as the "royal we" in The Big Lebowski.

I remember names rather well.
Ha! That was what popped into my head immediately when I saw that.

"Am I wrong?"

"No, Walter, you're not wrong; you're just an *******!"

[Eric]

I'll put it this way: I have a coworker, and I've probably been working with him for 5+ years and he's seen dozens of emails from me. He has encountered my name multiple times outside of email on a weekly basis. While setting up a computer user account recently, he asked me how to spell my name. I asked if he was serious, and he guessed at the spelling. He got it wrong.

My name is not complicated. This incident did not increase my respect for him. Not knowing my name well enough to spell it even remotely phonetically after 5 years is inexcusable. It intimates being either incompetent or dismissive IMO.

I don't expect people to remember my name immediately, nor do I expect to get everyone's name right after one time. However, if someone hasn't bothered to learn my name after many years of it staring them in the face every other day, I find it to reflect rather poorly on the person.

[R_of_G]

I'll put it this way: I have a coworker I've probably been working with him for 5+ years and he's seen dozens of emails from me. He has encountered my name multiple times outside of email on a weekly basis. While setting up a computer user account recently, he asked me how to spell my name. I asked if he was serious, and he guessed at the spelling. He got it wrong.

My name is not complicated. This incident did not increase my respect for him. Not knowing my name well enough to spell it even remotely phonetically after 5 years is inexcusable. It intimates being either incompetent or dismissive IMO.

I don't expect people to remember my name immediately, nor do I expect to get everyone's name right after one time. However, if someone hasn't bothered to learn my name after many years of it staring them in the face every other day, I find it to reflect rather poorly on the person.

I suspect you are talking about your last name, though I suppose you get more than enough of "C or K?" for Eric. With my first name (Jayson) I have gotten used to never seeing my name spelled correctly on anything I've ever ordered over the phone or when someone is filling out something at a point of sale. Not earth-shattering, but it's always been a part of my experience that my name will be spelled incorrectly most of the time. Even on Romper Room when they looked in the mirror and said "I see Eric, and I see Suzy, and I see ....." the day they said my name, I was sure in the script it said "Jason."

:thwap

[Eric]

I suspect you are talking about your last name, though I suppose you get more than enough of "C or K?" for Eric. With my first name (Jayson) I have gotten used to never seeing my name spelled correctly on anything I've ever ordered over the phone or when someone is filling out something at a point of sale. Not earth-shattering, but it's always been a part of my experience that my name will be spelled incorrectly most of the time. Even on Romper Room when they looked in the mirror and said "I see Eric, and I see Suzy, and I see ....." the day they said my name, I was sure in the script it said "Jason."

:thwap
Indeed, that story was in reference to my last name, but the point stands. I guess the same would apply to my first name, but with a different threshold for what I feel is an acceptable time to learn my name and the spelling of it.

[deeaa]

Well, Eric...that's exactly what happens with me. I've met most of my co-workers a decade ago and I still can't remember all of their names...it's just too much to remember with all the other stuff going on. I'm so glad we almost never use each other's names, I'd be in trouble :-)

The biggest problem is I'm on this team of ten people, and I'm the team secretary...I always have to write the attendance list and I always seem to forget the names of the people; have to secretly check the previous one and then think hard which is which person and who's not present. Sometimes I still get it wrong after three years in this team.

Often when I have to send emails to colleagues, I need to find an email from them, I can remember the subjects and such quite easily but I have to check who the person was every time.

I don't know how can people remember things like phone numbers, birthdays and such...I can't even remember my son's birthday without checking from my PDA, let alone my mom's or anybody elses almost...I do always remember my wife's because she'd kill me if I forgot, which I've sometimes done. (I have like three reminders on my PDA :-)

If I could remember all that stuff maybe it'd be possible for me to remember more than a dozen song lyrics or how they're played, at once too.

[Eric]

Well see, if I knew you were like that and you were one of my coworkers, I wouldn't have a problem with it. I'd just think "Oh, that's Dee -- he's bad with names" or something.

However, without the background, it just makes someone seem dismissive if they don't know a name (and not just my name, BTW). It's something I take the time to do, so why can't someone else?

[R_of_G]

I've often been amazed at being at a job for a few months and getting to tell people the names of their co-workers with whom they've worked for years.

[sumitomo]

I can be bad with remembering names,so I just start talking and things work out,sometimes they will say something that jogs the memory and I'll remember their name and other times after talking for a while I'll tell them,Man I can't remember your name,which ends in laughter.Sumi:D

[deeaa]

Hehe...the only times I am in trouble with this is when I ask my boss abput how to proceed with something I'm on, and she says like 'oh ask Lisa she can fill you in' and I'm too ashamed to say who is Linda, then have to go thru our phone book or something and try to figure out who she meant. Even worse if more names are mentioned, in which case I need to write them on my pda as well so I remember them after 2 minutes still ;-)

[kiteman]

Hehe...the only times I am in trouble with this is when I ask my boss abput how to proceed with something I'm on, and she says like 'oh ask Lisa she can fill you in' and I'm too ashamed to say who is Linda, then have to go thru our phone book or something and try to figure out who she meant. Even worse if more names are mentioned, in which case I need to write them on my pda as well so I remember them after 2 minutes still ;-)

I think your memory done ran away. She said Lisa you said Linda. :poke

[Eric]

I think your memory done ran away. She said Lisa you said Linda. :poke
That is too funny! The proof is in the story, huh?

[marnold]

And plus since he's Finnish, their names were probably something like Liiimoooorniaaa with a bunch of umlauts and those little circle things.

OK, Ugly American mode: off.

[Brian Krashpad]

I've always been one to participate in the traditional USA habit of shaking hands and exchanging names when I meet someone. However, I have always had the problem of letting the name go in one ear and out the other. I can't tell you how many times I've forgotten the name two minutes after I was told. It's always been a problem for me.

Me too, I will try to remember the method you have noted, and start using it.

I once ran into a former bandmate, who had been in a band with me for about a year, and whom I knew from momentarily being in a previous band with, about 5 or 6 months after he'd left my band. Momentarily could not come up with his name at a rather large drunken party, and man was he pissed.

Oddly, I've found that friending people on Facebook helps, since I then typically see their face next to their name.

[deeaa]

That is too funny! The proof is in the story, huh?

Damn, I didn't realize at all!

[deeaa]

Me too, I will try to remember the method you have noted, and start using it.

I once ran into a former bandmate, who had been in a band with me for about a year, and whom I knew from momentarily being in a previous band with, about 5 or 6 months after he'd left my band. Momentarily could not come up with his name at a rather large drunken party, and man was he pissed.

Oddly, I've found that friending people on Facebook helps, since I then typically see their face next to their name.

I can top that; I was at this party and this guy comes to talk to me and he's like vaguely familiar looking, and we talk a long time & then I leave, and the next day another friend calls and we talk and he says 'so you met Pete(I don't remember the real name) again last night, wasn't it great he visited here' and I'm like, yeah, so that was his name, huh, so was he anyway? And he goes silent and says: 'dude, don't you remember? He was our bassist for nigh two years! (meaning me too; our band's bassist) ' And I really had clean forgotten him. But then it sort of came back when I connected the dots.

[deeaa]

And plus since he's Finnish, their names were probably something like Liiimoooorniaaa with a bunch of umlauts and those little circle things.

OK, Ugly American mode: off.

LOL :-) well actually those are pretty rare in first names, can't really think of any that had any strange letters. Last names, yeah.

First names are usually short and kinda sharp, often with dual consonants; Merja, Marja, Eero, Maria, Petri, Erkki, Pertti, Jarkko etc...

It's the last names look alien to others; Jääskeläinen, Pääkkönen, Ålander, Kääriäinen, etc.

[LeadedEL84]

Me too, I will try to remember the method you have noted, and start using it.

I once ran into a former bandmate, who had been in a band with me for about a year, and whom I knew from momentarily being in a previous band with, about 5 or 6 months after he'd left my band. Momentarily could not come up with his name at a rather large drunken party, and man was he pissed.

Oddly, I've found that friending people on Facebook helps, since I then typically see their face next to their name.

The facebook solution is brilliant. I have a facebook page but have never done anything with it. I just opened it so I could use certain features that are connected to it. I built a myspace page along time ago too. I haven't updated it in like 2 years though. I never really got into that kind of thing. I just started the page because there was this gorgeous girl at work I was friends with who talked me into it. Then she got married so I lost interest in my page. LOL
Funny though I rarely forget the name of an attractive woman. Maybe that is what clogs my memory for everything else?:luvit


I've really enjoyed reading this thread. It's been intelligent, informative, and funny. It's always nice to be reassured I'm not the only one with bad habits or brain malfunctions. It seems I'm in good company with this particular affliction. Dee takes the cake though. He has topped us all by forgetting a name within the span of writing a sentence. I'm thinking we should take up a collection and send him a healthy supply of Ginko Baloba and a copy of "Improve your Memory Power". We need to help our guitar slinging,Finnish, brother out! ;)

[Bloozcat]

Many years ago when I was in Arizona I joined an outdoors club that was loosely sponsored through Arizona State University. You didn't have to be a student (which I wasn't), so I joined.

On the first trip as a group 15 of us went to Payson for a weekend stay at a cabin to do some hiking. It was 15 degrees when we arrived at the cabin the first evening. As most people in the new club were unaquainted, someone suggested a game to help everyone remember each other's names. We each took turns in front of the group as the rest said their names. Then the one in front of the group turned around and the others "re-arranged" themselves in a different order. When the one in front turned around he had to call each person by their correct name. Not wanting to appear a fool, you really concentrated on the names when you heard them. I was first and got them all right the first time. When each had finished with his/her turn, we all knew each others names and didn't forget them...and most remembered the names the first go around.

[sumitomo]

That's pretty good Bloozcat,I would have only been able to remember seven,Sneezy,Sleepy,Dopey,Doc,Happy,Bashful and Grumpy.LOL!! Sumi:D

[Rotor]

It's odd what sticks and what doesn't. I remember my cousins 8th grade teachers name, but the name of someone I just met is gone in like 3 seconds. It really bothers me that I have that problem with names as I was raised that you should remember things like that. To add to the confusion I belong to a 4X4 offroading forum where we actually get together and do runs. Now I have to remember a screen name, and their real name, and connect the two. What a nightmare for me...
On the upside I can sing along to almost every Beatles song ever done, and a huge number of other bands. (Not that you'd want to hear me butcher Yellow Submarine.) I didn't even realize it till I saw a Beatles tribute band last year. I was never a huge fan at the time, but somehow they all worked their way into my subconsciousness.
When I come up against the wall I am humble and admit what a dummy I am and most times the response is, " That's Okay, I can't remember yours either." Then we have a laugh and reintroduce ourselves to each other in the hopes that it might stick. Add beer to the equation, and you can pretty much hang it up.