How do you keep from comparing yourself?

[Eric]

I have a difficult time when it comes to not comparing myself with others. The tendency has always kind of been there, and it has come into focus in my marriage, because my wife doesn't really seem to care what other people think of her. She does maybe a little bit, but not like me. It kind of makes it clear to me that I do care and I do compare. Lately, I've been really restless, and have taken that time to compare myself and my life even more. For all I know, my unrest is due to it.

How do you avoid this? Comparing myself to others is something I don't want to do because it's a losing battle (always), makes you less happy, less productive, less fun to be around, more neurotic, etc. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to deal with it. Some of it is probably from my parents, some of it is societal, but I think it's the sort of thing most people have to deal with.

It's pervasive. I can compare everything if try: gear, guitar skillz, physique, money, 'enlightenment' (I would liken that to 'street cred'), social activism, education, gardening skills...whatever. Also, I should note that I don't just want to 'win.' I'm not asking how to have more money so that I can win any comparison when it comes to money, and then just extend that to every other category. That's what many people spend their lives doing: trying to 'win.' I have no trouble realizing that's a hollow pursuit. It's the not caring that gets me hung up.

I guess I've rambled on for long enough, but I'm just curious how all of you deal with the pressure that's always present in society to compare and judge. Based on what I know of the guitar community (at least online), we have more than a few people who just 'solve' it by winning, but I think there are also some pretty wise people on here too. I want to hear from those people.

[bcdon]

You have to be comfortable in your own skin and be happy with who you are. There are always going to be people that are better, smarter, more talented than you but, so what? I always strive for perfection but I don't let it get me down when I inevitably fall short, it just gives me more reason to try harder.

Your wife has the right approach, What Do You Care What Other People Think? (http://www.amazon.com/What-Care-Other-People-Think/dp/0553347845)
http://images.contentreserve.com/ImageType-100/0290-1/%7BFBDD28E2-EDA1-457A-8F17-021C9585E464%7DImg100.jpg

[Spudman]

I hear ya. It's something I think we all do. Probably men more so because of our competitive nature.

I think it's okay to compare. You just need to keep it in perspective. As long as you don't drift into jealousy, envy, despair etc. over your comparisons then you'll make out all right. I used to compare myself to other athletes and it compelled me to become better at what I do, same with guitar playing. I never let it consume me though. I just used the others as benchmarks for where I wanted to go and used them to inspire me to improve. I think that is the healthy way to use your comparisons.

Eventually I became more comfortable with where I was and who I was and started saying 'who gives a crap' more and more. I knew me, I knew what I could do and I worked with that and have been pretty content. Just remember in racing there is always someone faster, and in guitar playing there is always someone better, and there will always be someone making more money than you too. Just be you and enjoy what you do.

Right now I'm comparing myself with cyclists 1/2 my age and I'm using that to fuel my motivation to make improvements in my fitness that I will enjoy. I'm not deluded into thinking that I'll be better than them. I'm just using the comparisons for inspiration.

[Commodore 64]

You mentioned "unrest". I'm going to divulge something here, that I'm not all that comfortable divulging, on the small chance that by unrest, you mean more underlying or deep seated issues than simply "comparing yourself to others". If you don't, please don't be offended (and please, humor me, maybe this will be cathartic for me, I dunno).

This has been a weird year. I've been having night terrors (BAD, like punching through solid walls while in between sleep and waking), general anxiety, and occasional panic attacks. Even been to a shrink as well as my general practitioner. They seem to think unrest/anxiety issues are increased this year. I though it was maybe due to the long winter. Maybe coincidence, but I don't know what triggered this for me.

I started talking to my family about it, I know my sister has battled depression. Turns out my Mom has these night terror episodes, though not as bad as mine. I've always had really bad migraines (I'm talking, debilitating, prostrate on the floor puking, speaking middle-earth-tongue, head pounders), since I was 10 years old. Now the migraines are virtually gone (1 in the last 2 years). Replaced with anxiety and panic disorder? I have no excuse or reason for it either: good job, good family, good everything. I'm probably one of the luckiest people alive. Yet I still have this issue.

Anyways, the point I'm trying to make, I think, is that some of these behaviors are genetic, and also biochemically related. First of all, your feelings are probably not "all in your head". They may be a manifestation of other things, physiochemically. You can try to rationalize your way through them, but sometimes the reaction you are having is not easily controllable or rational. So I'm seeking help. Counseling, medications and exercise. I already see a neurologist for the migraines, he had me on a low dose of zoloft and a beta blocker. They tired ramping up the zoloft, not a big fan of that, so they recommended a psychiatrist. At first I was like, "No way", but I finally went. Trying a different drug (remeron) because I was getting NO sleep, and had to try something. Tapering off the zolof now. Hot flashes and headaches. What freaking joy. 10 years ago , I thought my sister was a wimp, and crazy for going on prozac. Now, I understand.

Had a sleep study. You know where they hook you up to 35 electrodes analyze your sleep. Came back perfectly normal. I guess that's good.

Eric, I'm still chasing the dragon. I've been able to get things to a manageable point, but I still struggle a bit every day. One positive thing, is that for some reason the anxiety/panic disorder has completely dropped my inhibitions about singing in front of people. I realize it just doesn't matter if I'm off pitch a little or not able to hit certain notes. Nobody is judging me, and if they were, it really doesn't matter.

[Bookkeeper's Son]

Commodore 64 touched upon the fact that the unique condition of being human is often an uncomfortable one, especially if one is a conscious, thinking human being. Virtually everybody I've known has struggled with "issues" to some extent their entire lives, as have I. One problem with comparison is that we can only see others from the outside, and have no insight into their internal condition, dialogues, etc.. We imagine that many people are happy, well-adjusted, and so on, but we often don't hear about the "dark" side, because many don't talk about such things, and put up a good front.

One of the best "therapies" is to find people who are willing to talk openly and honestly about such matters. I've found that "shiny happy people" rarely exist, and there's comfort to be found in the company of real people.

[Eric]

You mentioned "unrest". I'm going to divulge something here, that I'm not all that comfortable divulging, on the small chance that by unrest, you mean more underlying or deep seated issues than simply "comparing yourself to others". If you don't, please don't be offended (and please, humor me, maybe this will be cathartic for me, I dunno).

...

Eric, I'm still chasing the dragon. I've been able to get things to a manageable point, but I still struggle a bit every day. One positive thing, is that for some reason the anxiety/panic disorder has completely dropped my inhibitions about singing in front of people. I realize it just doesn't matter if I'm off pitch a little or not able to hit certain notes. Nobody is judging me, and if they were, it really doesn't matter.
Wow. I don't think it goes that deep, but I'm not sure. I've never really considered something like what you describe. To be honest, I'm probably not going to jump up and go see a psychiatrist right away. I've done therapy before, but I didn't seem to get very far with it -- I don't think she was the best therapist ever. That being said, I'll definitely think it over and consider the possibility that it's something similar for me.

Last night I was thinking about this, and I came up with a hypothesis that it might be due to lack of involvement with any organization, social group, purpose, etc. I have friends and I like my job, but lately I've been pretty isolated, and that just makes me look around even more at everyone else and see all of the great things they're doing or have done. Without something big in my life, I get a little weird. That could be viewed as needing to be distracted from myself in order to be happy, but it's the best I've got right now. Maybe I'm just far more insecure than I thought I was.

Anyway, thanks for offering that up. I have a band audition tonight -- maybe that will be a quick fix for a little while. Seems like I'm grasping at straws, but we'll see.

[Commodore 64]

Yeah, I'm definitely better when I'm busy, and interacting with people.

[NWBasser]

Somehow, with age, I've become very comfortable just being myself.

At this point, if there's someone better than me at something, I just tend to appreciate what they can do. Playing bass for example, I'm no slouch, but there are a whole lot of better players around than I am. I just enjoy the music that they have to offer and sometime get ideas for my own playing.

I tend to take satisfaction in what I can do and not worry so much about those things I can't do.

As long as I can be a great dad for my son, I don't sweat much about anything else. I think fatherhood has helped a lot in this regard since I take far more enjoyment from my son's successes than anything I do.

[NWBasser]

. Anyway, thanks for offering that up. I have a band audition tonight -- maybe that will be a quick fix for a little while.

This news sounds like it would be worth of a new thread.

Good luck and burn the hair off it!

[Eric]

This news sounds like it would be worth of a new thread.

Good luck and burn the hair off it!
Thanks.

It went alright. I think they liked my playing, but right now the 'band' is just two ladies. Apparently the drummer stunk and the bassist quit, so it's rebuilding time. It's a local original pop band whose heyday was back in the 80s, but she (the singer/writer) still performs and has connections.

So while playing with a click track, a synth, and two vocalists wasn't exactly inspiring, but it seems like it could get up and running quickly enough. I think I'd honestly rather play bass in this band, but my guess is she'd rather I play guitar.

The biggest downside is that they practice an hour south of me in NJ. Even if it's only once a week, that's a LOT of travel for a practice. I'm still not really sure if it's feasible. I'll probably give it a shot for a while and try to figure out if I can make it work. Might be best for her to go with the other guitarist they auditioned after me and have me on bass so that they can at least get something going.

This is pretty much my first foray into an actual band that has actual ambitions, so I'm interested in it for the experience if nothing else. I have another audition with a different guy/band on Tuesday, so I'm curious about that too. That's going to be a little more ambient lead stuff I think, so it's less about learning the song exactly and more about figuring out good lead parts. I'll have to work out some of that stuff this weekend.

But regardless, there's some light on the horizon. I've been going stir-crazy at home with no sense of purpose on the guitar, as evidenced by this thread. I've been considering putting together a few more demos with me singing and playing guitar and bass. I don't really care what I do -- I just want involvement somehow!

[Brian Krashpad]

Break a leg with the bands!

I think the comparing thing tends to fade with age. Frankly it was not ever a big deal for me though Mrs. Krashpad would probably like it to be.