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Robert
March 7th, 2008, 03:27 PM
Have you heard the joke about the two dyslexics who walked into a bra... :rotflmao:

Spudman
March 7th, 2008, 11:30 PM
I'm not sure I have, but I have heard about ants walking 2 abreast.

strumsalot
March 7th, 2008, 11:52 PM
An elementary school teacher gave her class an assigment, to go home and think about something that is interesting to them and be prepared to tell the class about it the next day.

When it was little Bobby's turn to speak, he went to the blackboard and drew a small white dot with chalk and then sat back down.

The teacher ask Bobby if that was a period.

Bobby replied yes.

She then ask Bobby what was interesting about it.

Darned if I know, but my sister is missing hers which made mom faint, dad have a heart attack, and the boy next door join the Navy.

tot_Ou_tard
March 8th, 2008, 06:54 AM
:bravo: I hadn't heard that one before Sir Strumsalot.:bravo:

marnold
March 8th, 2008, 09:18 AM
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insominac? He would lie awake at night, wondering if there really is a Dog.

A couple quickies from Monty Python:
There's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong!

It's like I've always said, "There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he really doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not."

And finally . . .
I'm tired of all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off!

pie_man_25
March 10th, 2008, 06:50 AM
Q:how many blues musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A:none, they can't afford the lights

Q:how many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light blb?

Q:wanna go ride bikes?


guy's walking to a bar, when all of a sudden a mobnkey starts following him, he gets in the bar and the monkey starts going crazy, and eventually eats one of the balls from the pool table, and the man, with the monkey, is forced to leave. A week later the man comes back, with the monkey, and he returns the ball from the pool table and apologises for what the monkey did, and he is alowed to stay, when the two watch the monkey take a peanut, put it up his rear, then take it out and eat it, then the bartender says "dude, that is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen!" and the man replies "yeah, ever since that pool-table ball, he's measured before eating ever since!"


edit: I have some more but they're kinda political and can be considered offensive.

duhvoodooman
March 10th, 2008, 08:02 AM
Those remind me of a couple more:

Q: Which is worse, apathy or ignorance?

A: Hey, I don't know and I don't care!

~~~~~~~~~

A pirate walks into a bar with a car steering wheel sticking out the top of his britches. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, isn't that thing kind of uncomfortable?" The pirate says, "Arrrrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"

Katastrophe
March 10th, 2008, 08:23 AM
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?


Homeless.


How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?


None. We have machines for that now.

;) :D

marnold
March 10th, 2008, 08:35 AM
Seeing Katastrophe's post reminded me of a joke.

Do you know what the definition of "catastrophe" is? It's the award for the kitten with the nicest buns.

duhvoodooman
March 10th, 2008, 08:41 AM
Do you know what the definition of "catastrophe" is? It's the award for the kitten with the nicest buns.
This from a man of the cloth?!? I'm shocked....shocked, I tell you!! :eek: ;)

Got any more? :rotflmao:

warren0728
March 10th, 2008, 09:30 AM
marnold if you lived closer to me i might start going to church!! :beer:

what can a large pizza do that a musician can't?

feed a family of 4!

ww

Justaguyin_nc
March 11th, 2008, 05:50 AM
Need a Screen cleaner?

presshere (http://ezfolk.com/screenclean.swf)

Katastrophe
March 11th, 2008, 06:56 AM
Need a Screen cleaner?

presshere (http://ezfolk.com/screenclean.swf)


Now, that's just funny, I don't care who you are! :rotflmao:

pes_laul
March 11th, 2008, 02:33 PM
OK at the beginning of summer when Ms. Dible got a new second grade class she always told her kids to speak in big people words. so when she asked little Sarah what she did for summer she replied "I took a ride on a choo choo" "No! we use big people words you rode on a train." she replied. Then she asked little tommy what He did He replied "I got a new bunny wabbit" "No you got a new rabbit, Remember big people words!" So she then asked little Billy what he did. He replied "I read a book" "Really? What book did you read" she replied. Billy thought about it real hard then puffed out his chest and said....."I read winnie the Sh^t" :rotflmao:

ted s
March 11th, 2008, 02:41 PM
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new BMW convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through his sparse hair.

Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even
more.

But, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the State Trooper behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then
110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and
pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the BMW, looked at his
watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If
you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
let you go.

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'


Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

Adrian30
March 11th, 2008, 02:51 PM
Here's a funny avatar...

http://i226.photobucket.com/albums/dd75/Adrian_Guitar/avatar_3629.gif

warren0728
March 11th, 2008, 04:45 PM
The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'


Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.
oh my god i almost spit my drink all over my laptop...thank you....thank you...
:bravo: :beer: :rotflmao: :beer: :bravo:

ww

SuperSwede
March 12th, 2008, 02:40 AM
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the BMW, looked at his
watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If
you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
let you go.

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'


Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

Lol! +1
:D :beer: :bravo:

pie_man_25
March 12th, 2008, 06:42 AM
oh my god i almost spit my drink all over my laptop...thank you....thank you...
:bravo: :beer: :rotflmao: :beer: :bravo:

ww

I laughed so hard my morning bacon and eggs came out my nose!

also pes laul's joke was pretty funny as well, maybe he should be named Pes LULZ instead, amirite?:rotflmao:

SuperSwede
March 12th, 2008, 02:00 PM
*** WARNING possibly offensive joke ***

First Love

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?".....
"Baaaaaaa." said Joe.

:D

pes_laul
March 12th, 2008, 02:19 PM
*** WARNING possibly offensive joke ***

First Love

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?".....
"Baaaaaaa." said Joe.

:D
eeewwww:messedup: :rotflmao:

Ro3b
March 12th, 2008, 02:51 PM
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me a double bourbon straight up."

The bartender brings him his drink, and the guy says, "Let me show you something." He takes a box out of his pocket and puts it on the bar and opens it, and this tiny man in a tuxedo, about a foot tall, gets out of it. He looks around, climbs down off the bar, goes over to the piano in the corner of the room, and starts playing "Fur Elise." It's beautiful.

The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool. Where did you find him?"

The guy says, "Well, I was on my way home from work this afternoon, and I passed by this antique shop and saw an old oil lamp in the window. It looked interesting, so I bought it and took it home. As I was polishing it, a genie popped out and said 'HUZZAH! YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM CENTURIES OF IMPRISONMENT! TO SHOW MY GRATITUDE, I WILL GRANT YOU YOUR HEART'S DESIRE!'"

The bartender says, "So you asked him for a twelve-inch pianist?"

The guy says, "No, not exactly."

Robert
March 12th, 2008, 02:56 PM
Haha, the genie had a hearing problem?

ted s
March 12th, 2008, 03:23 PM
Not a joke but funny just the same.

jzcju6dMCS4

oldguy
March 12th, 2008, 05:37 PM
A man's standing at a bus stop when a little old lady walks up behind him with a little dog on a leash. The dog sniffs the man's trousers and lifts a hind leg. The man steps to one side. Again, the dog steps up next to him, sniffs, and lifts a leg. The man moves again. The little old lady says "Don't worry, he doesn't bite".
The man answers dryly... "I wasn't worried about him biting, I thought he was about to kick me in the shin.......":D

oldguy
March 12th, 2008, 05:51 PM
A drunk stumbles into a bar in Texas. He orders a "large" draft beer, and the bartender brings it in a pitcher. "That's a lot of beer" the drunk says. The bartender answers "You're in Texas, boy, everything's big down heah!"
The drunk finishes the beer and asks where the bathroom is. "Down the hall, first door on the right" the barman answers.
The drunk stumbles down the hall and opens the first door on the left ....which is where the swimming pool is......he steps up next to the water, unzips his pants, and falls face first into the water. As he flounders around in the pool, the maintenance man walks in and slams the door shut.
The drunk screams..... "Don't flush it! Don't flush it!"

oldguy
March 12th, 2008, 06:15 PM
A dude is driving in heavy traffic. Suddenly all the cars in front of him stop. He stomps the brake pedal, but still smashes into the car in front of him.
A man about 3 feet tall jumps out of the car the dude just hit, walks back to the dude's car, hands on his hips, frowning, and yells "I'm not happy!!"
The guy answers...... "OK, which one are you?"

Spudman
March 12th, 2008, 09:32 PM
After Sunday school little Kimmy goes up to the pastor and says "pastor can I ask you something?" The pastor replies "sure what do you wish to know?"
Little Kimmy asks, "well, is it true that when we die we turn to dust?" The pastor replies "yes that is what the scriptures say." "Well then is it true when we are born we come from the dust?" The pastor replies "yes the scriptures also say this."

Little Kimmy looks away into the distance with a very troubled look on her face. The pastor asks "why the troubled expression little Kimmy?" Kimmy replies "it's just that I looked under my bed this morning and I can't figure out if someone is coming or going."

oldguy
March 12th, 2008, 09:59 PM
:bravo: :bravo: :bravo:
Good joke.:D :D

pie_man_25
March 13th, 2008, 06:56 AM
/\ +1 hilarious

Ro3b
March 13th, 2008, 07:10 AM
Two blondes were on a hike, and one said, "Oh, look! Deer tracks!"

The other said, "I think those are actually bear tracks."

Then the train hit them.

Adrian30
March 13th, 2008, 02:34 PM
A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.
The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''

The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''

The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''

player
March 13th, 2008, 06:21 PM
A golfer hits his ball off the green and it lands in forested rough.thinking he may be able to get it out he grabs his three wood,with a mighty swing he hits the ball that hits a tree bringing the ball back at him.hits him it the forehead killing him instantly.when he gets to heaven St. Peter asks him are you a good golfer? he says Well I made up here in Two didn't I?:D

kiteman
March 14th, 2008, 01:09 PM
What's blue and eats brownies?


A person choking to death on one.


ya thought I was gonna say cub scout didn't ya? :)

Katastrophe
March 14th, 2008, 01:27 PM
A golfer hits his ball off the green and it lands in forested rough.thinking he may be able to get it out he grabs his three wood,with a mighty swing he hits the ball that hits a tree bringing the ball back at him.hits him it the forehead killing him instantly.when he gets to heaven St. Peter asks him are you a good golfer? he says Well I made up here in Two didn't I?:D


You know why they call it "golf," don't ya?























Because "SH!T" was already taken.

Ro3b
March 15th, 2008, 08:07 AM
So two guys were out golfing -- hm, would this be funnier if they're lawyers? Ok, they're lawyers -- two lawyers were out golfing, and they noticed the two women on the green ahead of them were taking a long time. One of the lawyers says, "I'll go up and ask if we can play through." He goes, but stops and comes back, ashen faced. "I can't talk to them! That's my wife and my mistress!"

The other lawyer says, "Hey, no problem. I'll go." But then he stops and comes back, and he says, "Heh. Small world."

Algonquin
March 15th, 2008, 08:49 AM
*** WARNING possibly ANOTHER offensive joke ***



A man walk into the General Store and sees Ole Blue the Bloodhound, bet over his’self licking his privates.

The man remarks to the clerk with a wink “I shore wish I could to that”!

The clerk replies, “Wall, be careful. . .. He Bites”


:D

marnold
March 15th, 2008, 09:21 AM
The clerk replies, “Wall, be careful. . .. He Bites”
:D
Alternate ending: "Why don't you just pet him?"

Katastrophe
March 15th, 2008, 10:00 AM
A man walks up to a street corner and sees another man with a dog sitting next to him. The first man says, "Sir, does your dog bite?"

The second man says, "Nope, sure doesn't."

The first man reaches down to pet the dog, which promptly snaps, biting off the tip of a finger.

The first man, recoiling in pain, says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"

The second man says, "That ain't my dog."

kiteman
March 15th, 2008, 11:34 AM
I was walking down the street when a hobo approached me and said, "I hadn't had a bite in three days? Can you help me?"

So I bit him. :)

tot_Ou_tard
March 15th, 2008, 08:32 PM
OK at the beginning of summer when Ms. Dible got a new second grade class she always told her kids to speak in big people words. so when she asked little Sarah what she did for summer she replied "I took a ride on a choo choo" "No! we use big people words you rode on a train." she replied. Then she asked little tommy what He did He replied "I got a new bunny wabbit" "No you got a new rabbit, Remember big people words!" So she then asked little Billy what he did. He replied "I read a book" "Really? What book did you read" she replied. Billy thought about it real hard then puffed out his chest and said....."I read winnie the Sh^t" :rotflmao:
:rotflmao: Good one Kris! :rotflmao:

Robert
May 28th, 2008, 11:18 PM
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Spudman
May 28th, 2008, 11:28 PM
What did the blond say when she discovered she was pregnant?








"It's not mine."

thearabianmage
May 29th, 2008, 09:10 AM
What happened to the crack-dealing demon? He got done for possession. . .

Where would you find giant snails? At the end of a giant's finger. . .

Why shouldn't you have sex with a retarded midget? Because it's not big, and it's not clever. . .

A busload of ugly people crashed and they all died and went to heaven. As they were entering heaven, St. Peter told them that they could each have one wish before they got in. The first person wished to be beautiful, to which St. Peter replied 'Done,' and the person was beautiful. The second person wished to be beautiful as well, 'Done,' replied St. Peter, and they, too, were beautiful. The third person, surprisingly asked for the same thing, and it was done. This went on throughout the entirety of the line - every single person wished to be beautiful until it came to the last person in line - who's face was red with laughter. 'And what is your wish?' asked St. Peter. Barely enough breath to speak, the man replied 'make them all ugly again. . .'

There is plenty more where they came from. . .

Robert
December 30th, 2008, 12:33 PM
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the
window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving the dang SALT TRUCK......."

peachhead
December 30th, 2008, 01:46 PM
I'd missed this thread somehow- glad you picked it back up. :rotflmao:

oldguy
January 22nd, 2009, 11:06 AM
Actual Court Transcripts:
--------------------------
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

-Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!!

-Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

-Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

-Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

-Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

-Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

-Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

-Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

-THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from your minds, if you have any.

-Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

-Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

-Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

-Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

-Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

-Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

--Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

--Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

--Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

--Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

--Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

--Q: (Showing man picture.) Is that you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

--Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.

--Q: And was he dead when you performed the autopsy?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

BluesHowler
January 22nd, 2009, 09:42 PM
An old man is setting on his front porch watching a young man walking down the dirt road in front of his house. The young man has something in his hand. The old man is curious and asks the young man what he has in his hand. He said, “Boy, what’s that you got in your hand?” The young man replied, “Well I got me a roll of duct tape and I’m gonna catch me some ducks.” The old man was incredulous and he said, “You’re a damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape.”

A few hours later the young man was walking down the road and had 20 ducks caught on the duct tape. The old man thought, “well I’ll be. I can’t believe he caught ducks with duct tape.”

The next morning he saw the same young man walking down the road with a roll of chicken wire in his arms. He asked the young man, “what are you gonna do with that chicken wire?” The young man answered, “well, I’m gonna catch some chickens.” The old man said, “You’re a damn fool, you can’t catch chicken with chicken wire.”

A few hours later the young man was walking down the road and had 20 chickens caught on the chicken wire. The old man thought, “well, I’ll be. I can’t believe he caught chickens with chicken wire.”

The very next morning he saw the same young man walking down the road with a stick in his hand. He asked the young man, “what are you doing with that stick in your hand?” The young man answered, “well, this here’s a piece of pussy willow.” The old man said, “Hold on there boy, I’m gonna grab my hat and go with you.”

Spudman
January 28th, 2009, 11:05 PM
A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, “If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, “Nah, go ahead.”

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy lifts his head up and looks the younger man straight in the eyes, and quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.

peachhead
January 29th, 2009, 09:16 PM
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment. Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Spudman
January 29th, 2009, 09:28 PM
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

kiteman
January 29th, 2009, 09:47 PM
Two dolts were out hunting and got lost in the woods. As they wandered they came upon the tracks.

Clem: Look! Deer tracks!
Slim: No they're not. They're bear tracks.
Clem: No stupid, they're deer tracks.
Slim: You can't fool me, you know those are bear tracks.

They argued and argued on the tracks. We'll never know who's right because the train just ran over them.

Robert
April 30th, 2009, 02:09 PM
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

Robert
May 1st, 2009, 08:28 PM
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

"Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She- tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

Blaze
May 1st, 2009, 08:45 PM
What is the fastest thing in the world?


The Englishman said:
* I would say it is thought, because thought
is immediate.


The
French said:
* I would say it is light because it is proved that nothing beats
the speed of light.


The
Newfie said:
* I say that it's diarrhea, because when you have diarrhea,
You do not even have time to think
or open the light that you already shit in your pants.

sumitomo
May 7th, 2009, 08:22 AM
The Pentagon announced Monday the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.
These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrotists:
1.The season opened today.
2.There is no limit.
3.They taste just like chicken.
4.They don't like beer,pickups,contry music or Jesus:
5.They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.

Sumi:D

Robert
May 27th, 2009, 03:52 PM
Ole the Norwegian wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’

‘Without numbers?’ Ole says, ‘Dat’s easy.’ and proceeds to draw three trees.

‘What the hell is this?’ the boss asks.

‘Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,’ says Ole.

‘Fair enough,’ says the boss. ‘Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.’

Ole stares off into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. ‘Dar ya go.’

The boss scratches his head and says, ‘How in the hell do you get that to represent 99?’

‘Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.’

The boss is getting worried that now he might actually have to hire this dumb Norwegian, so he says, ‘All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.’

Ole stares far into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, ‘Dar ya go. Von hundred.’

The boss looks at the attempt. ‘You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!’

Ole leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, ‘A littl e dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.’

‘So, ven do I start der ya know? ‘

ibanezjunkie
June 1st, 2009, 03:30 PM
Ole the Norwegian wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’

‘Without numbers?’ Ole says, ‘Dat’s easy.’ and proceeds to draw three trees.

‘What the hell is this?’ the boss asks.

‘Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,’ says Ole.

‘Fair enough,’ says the boss. ‘Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.’

Ole stares off into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. ‘Dar ya go.’

The boss scratches his head and says, ‘How in the hell do you get that to represent 99?’

‘Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.’

The boss is getting worried that now he might actually have to hire this dumb Norwegian, so he says, ‘All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.’

Ole stares far into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, ‘Dar ya go. Von hundred.’

The boss looks at the attempt. ‘You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!’

Ole leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, ‘A littl e dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.’

‘So, ven do I start der ya know? ‘

:bravo: Robert, this deserves a 3x3

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

Robert
June 1st, 2009, 03:54 PM
Us Swedes love Norwegian jokes! :D
We'd do anything to poke fun at those neighbours of ours.

sumitomo
July 13th, 2009, 03:07 PM
I don't know if this is really funny cause it's true. Back in the 1880's California became a state.The people had no electricity,the state had ne money,Almost everyone spoke Spanish,there were gunfights in the streets,So basically,nothing has changed except the women had real boob's and the men didn't hold hands!!!!! Sumi:D

Robert
July 13th, 2009, 03:24 PM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$80,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is???!!!"

pie_man_25
July 27th, 2009, 11:12 AM
I've got two:
One day, an IRS agent is giving an elderly man an audit, the man walks into the office and asks "can I bring in my attourney?" the agent answers "why yes you can, it's really quite common, we're really just observing that you have large spending habits, and yet no employment, how can that be so?" the old man answers, "I gamble". The agent, and educated man, does not see much possibility, and so states his disbelief, "how so?". The old man says "it's smart gambling, an example: I bet $3,000 I can bite my left eye"
the agent, knowing that he can't bite his own eye agrees. To his dismay, the man pulls out a glass eye, bites it, and puts back into the left socket. the old man then says " I bet $3,000 I can bite my right eye", the IRS man agrees, seeing that this man doesn't have two glass eyes. His jaw drops as he sees the man pull out some dentures and bite his right eye. the old man says "I'll give you double or nothing: $6,000 that I can pee on one side of your desk onto the garbage can on the other side of the desk wiithout getting a drop anywhere else" The IRS agent agrees, seeing that he doesn't want to lose six-thousand, and also that this man can NOT pull off this stunt. so the old man gets to the desk's side, unzips, and pees ALL OVER THE DESK, the IRS man was relieved, he then proceeds to ask "why the hell is your attourney bashing his head against the wall?" and the old man grins and replies: "I bet HIM $100,000 that I could pee all over your desk and you'd be HAPPY about it!"

a woman is teaching a kindergarden class, and she gives all of her students some life-savers. She has them figure out all of the flavours of the candies, and they had an easy time doing it until she gave them the honey-flavoured ones. She gives them a hint "It's what mommy calls daddy sometimes!", and one of the little girls spits it out of her mouth and yells out "Oh my god they're ASSHOLES!!!!"

kiteman
July 27th, 2009, 11:20 AM
That last one got me. :rotflmao:

Spudman
August 26th, 2009, 03:22 PM
Three men married.

The first man married a woman from Michigan . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Texas . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Idaho . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

ibanezjunkie
August 26th, 2009, 03:38 PM
a man and his daughter are sitting at the table eating breakfast.

DAUGHTER: Daddy, whats the best thing in the world?

FATHER: its you, darling i dont even have to think.

DAUGHTER hmm, well...for me its Sausages.


im not sure if thats funny but it sure makes me laugh.

sumitomo
August 26th, 2009, 04:51 PM
Bob was leaving the early morning worship service one Sunday morning,when his friend Sam noticed that his friend Bob had a black eye.Sam asked Bob how he got the shiner.Bob told Sam,You know,when we stood up to sing a hymm,I noticed that Mrs. Jones had her skirt stuck in the folds of her butt.So,I thought it would be ok to lightly tug on her skirt to release it from being stuck in her butt.And all of a sudden she turned and socked me in the eye knocking me backwards over the pew.Bob told Sam I know better that to do that again.Well two weeks later Sam noticed Bob had another black eye.Sam asked Bob,You didn't tug on Mrs. Jones skirt again did you? OH! Hell no! Bob said,I figured she liked it that way,So I tucked it back in.


Who would ever think that President Obama would sign his stimulus package at the same desk that President Clinton got his package stimulated!


Sumi:D

Robert
August 26th, 2009, 07:01 PM
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the heck was that all about?"

-------
Here is a :smile-us: joke for ya.
I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?"

-------
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio?

Spudman
August 26th, 2009, 10:11 PM
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the heck was that all about?"


That's awesome! :bravo:

bedroom rocker
August 27th, 2009, 01:18 AM
a man from new zealand spent four years training a household fly to do amazing tricks, upon command it could backflip, moonwalk and even sing frank sinatra songs. so one day this man decides to take the fly to a bar and show it off. he walks into a bar and approaches the bartender. he says "look, ive got this amazing fly that can do a variety of tricks, can i get a spot on stage tonight?"
the bartender is sceptical: "ok, show us then" so the guy pulls the fly out of his matchbox, and the fly lands on the bar. "moonwalk!" he says, and the fly starts moonwalking better than michael jackson. the bartender says "thats amazing!! i can get you an agent, hes on the phone there in the corner, go up and say hi!" so the man approaches the agent whos on the phone, pulls out the fly and sits it on the phone book. before he could give it a command, the agent hangs up the phone, slams his fist down on the phonebook and says "bloody flies, now what can i do for you?" :rotflmao:

sumitomo
September 14th, 2009, 08:00 AM
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize and play games.The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be hosts,Janet wanted to outdo all the others.Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak,but the mushrooms were too expensive.
Her husband Al said,Why dont you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?There are alot of them there.
His wife Janet answered aren't they poisonous? Al replyed no I see the dog eating them all the time and he's still alive.
So Al picked a bunch of mushrooms,and they had a big shindig with lots of folks from the Church and everyone loved the mushroom steaks,they even had a server help.
After dinner was finished the server went up to Janet and told her Mrs Janet your dog is dead.Janet ran to Al to tell him this news and they decided to call the hospitial and see what to do.So everyone had their stomachs pumped and a enimmea.After they were finished they were all sitting in the livingroom feeling lousy,and the server went to Janet and told her and the man who ran over the dog didn't even stop. Sumi:D

Spudman
September 14th, 2009, 11:41 AM
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the _ _ _ _ out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago.....'

sumitomo
September 21st, 2009, 10:16 AM
My wife and I were watching "Who wants to be a millionaire"while we were in bed.I turned to her and said,"Do you want to have sex?"
"No,"she answered.
I then said,"Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time,simply saying,"Yes."
So I said,"Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started................... Sumi:D

kiteman
September 21st, 2009, 10:42 AM
My wife and I were watching "Who wants to be a millionaire"while we were in bed.I turned to her and said,"Do you want to have sex?"
"No,"she answered.
I then said,"Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time,simply saying,"Yes."
So I said,"Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started................... Sumi:D

Heh, good one. :rotflmao:

Robert
September 21st, 2009, 11:19 AM
Sounds like sumi needed an extra lifeline there... hehe

Spudman
September 21st, 2009, 12:48 PM
Ole, had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. "Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer.



Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."


"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!' "?


Ole said, "Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Minnesota Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he i s a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move.

However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said,


"How are you feeling?''


"Now vat the hell vould YOU say?"

sumitomo
September 21st, 2009, 05:00 PM
A man was sunbathing naked on the beach.For the sake of civility,and to keep from getting sunburned,he had his hat over his private parts.
A women walks past and says,snickering,"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself. Sumi:D

Spudman
September 25th, 2009, 09:14 AM
Some oxymorons you can use everyday

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation

40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization

35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead

30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence

25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."

20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force

15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly

5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

sumitomo
September 30th, 2009, 04:41 PM
I got some new deodorant and the instructions said,"REMOVE CAP AND PUSH UP BOTTOM"

I can barely walk but when I fart it smells amazing! Sumi:D

sumitomo
October 1st, 2009, 08:22 AM
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of Kentucky.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away,the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon,eggs and toast.However,John noticed a film like substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather asking,"Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied,"They're as clean as coldwater can get 'em.Just go ahead and finish your meal,Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.Again John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,"Are you sure these plates are clean?"Without looking up the old man said,"I told you before,Sonny,those dished are as clean as coldwater can get 'em.Now don't you fret,I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon,John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving,his grandfather's dog started to growl,and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said,"Grandfather,your dog won't let me get to my car."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on the T.V. the old man shouted,

"COLDWATER,GO LAY DOWN NOW,YAH HEAR ME?"

Sumi:D

sumitomo
October 2nd, 2009, 10:16 AM
Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery.He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices,however,that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript.So,the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,it would never be picked up! In fact,that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says,"We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but you make a good point ,my son."

So he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the orginal manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!," his forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollaby.The young monk asks the old abbot,"What's wrong father?"and with A choking voice,the old man replies,The word was

CELEB R ATE! Sumi:D

Rampant
October 6th, 2009, 07:03 AM
Young woman walks up to a bloke in a bar she quite fancies...

"Hi. My name is Carmen. Two of my favourite things. Cars. And men. What's your name"

A huge grin crosses the bloke's face as he answers... "Boozepussy"

sumitomo
October 19th, 2009, 08:19 AM
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.All the patients were shouting,13.....13.....13...'

The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks,so I looked through to see what was going on.............and someone poked me in the eye with a stick!!!!!!!!!!

Then they all started shouting 14...........14.........14.... Sumi:D

kiteman
October 19th, 2009, 09:24 AM
Heh, that's a good one. :)

Robert
October 19th, 2009, 09:46 AM
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.All the patients were shouting,13.....13.....13...'

The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks,so I looked through to see what was going on.............and someone poked me in the eye with a stick!!!!!!!!!!

Then they all started shouting 14...........14.........14.... Sumi:D

:luvit

bigG
October 19th, 2009, 05:43 PM
That's a good one, sumi! :crazyguy

sumitomo
October 20th, 2009, 08:44 AM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

'Tony,do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am.My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her planegot hit.She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey,a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,killed four more with the knife,till the blade broke,and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands!

'Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher.'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!' Sumi:D

sumitomo
October 21st, 2009, 09:40 AM
An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man,put it in another,and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A british doctor says: "Thats nothing,we can take a lung out of one person,put it in another,and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Canadian doctor says:"In my country medicine is so far advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person,put it in another,and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."A American doctor,not to be outdone,says:"You guys are way behind............We just took a man with NO brain,made him President,and now the whole country is looking for work. Sumi:D

Spudman
October 21st, 2009, 09:13 PM
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great scooter?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this scooter,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Monkus
October 22nd, 2009, 09:39 AM
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a 100 dollars if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl said "NO."
Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for 200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
She agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.. She said "The b*stard used coins!"

Spudman
October 22nd, 2009, 04:43 PM
Understanding Engineers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

sumitomo
October 22nd, 2009, 05:05 PM
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded.Indigant,the affluent man replied,"you can't do this-I am a United States congressman!! "Well in that case," replied the mugger, "Give me MY money." Sumi:D

sumitomo
October 28th, 2009, 08:08 AM
Just My Luck!

After being in prison for 15 years a man excapes.He breaks into a house to look for money and guns,but finds a young couple in bed.He orders the man out of bed and ties him to a chair,then he tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck.Then he gets up and goes into the bathroom.The husband tells his wife,listen this guys a dangerous excaped convict,He probably hasn't seen a woman in years.I saw how he kissed your neck.If he wants to have sex with you,don't complain do whatever he tells you or he might kill us!Be strong honey,I love you,no matter what.The wife responds,"He wasn't kissing my neck,He was whispering in my ear,He told me he was gay and thought you were cute and asked if we had and vaseline,I told him it was in the bathroom,So be strong honey,I love you too,no matter what. Sumi:D

Rampant
October 28th, 2009, 08:48 AM
Ouch

oldguy
October 29th, 2009, 07:48 PM
Louisiana Ghost Story

This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy 57 just outside of
Dulac, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it
sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

An Ohio businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his disabled vehicle on
the side of the road, and attempted to hitchhike. The night was pitch
dark in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars
went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving slowly,
approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently
crept toward him and stopped. Desperately needing a ride, Saul jumped in
the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was no
one behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the
rain.

Again the car crept silently forward and Saul was terrified, too scared
to think of jumping out and running. He saw that the car was approaching
a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and
beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and
into the bayou and he would then drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared at the driver's
window, reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely
around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through
the window and Saul was alone again.

Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand reappear every time they
reached a curve. Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he could
take, jumped out of the car, and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into Schmoopy's. Voice quavering, he ordered
two cups of coffee, black, and then told everybody about his
supernatural experience.

The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realized
Saul was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).

About 30 minutes later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked into Schmoopy's
and one says to the other, "Look, Boudreaux, der's dat idiot what rode in
our car when we wuz pushin' it in the rain!!!"

sumitomo
November 17th, 2009, 05:02 PM
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,so he asks the biker his name.
'Ron'he says
'Ron what?' the office asks.

'Just Ron,the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.So the officer presses him for his last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but he lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.'Tell me,Ron,how did you lose your last name?

The biker replies,'it's a long story,so stay with me.'I was born Ron Dingaling.I know a funny last name.The kids used to make fun of and tease me all the time,so I stayed to myself,studied hard and got good grades.When I got older,I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.I went through medical school and became Ron Dingaling MD.After awhile I got boared being a doctor,so I went to school to become a dentist.After becomming a dentist I was Ron Dingaling MD DDS.Then I starter fooling around with my assistant and got VD so I was Ron Dingaling MD DDS with VD.The ADA found out I had VD and took away my DDS.So I became Ron Dingaling MD with VD.Then the AMA found out the ADA took my DDS because of the VD and took away my MD.So I became Ron Dingaling with VD.After some time the VD took away my Dingaling so that's how I became just Ron. The cop just walked away laughing! Sumi:D

Eric
November 17th, 2009, 06:16 PM
There is a party of functions. All the well known ones are there: 4x, x^2, 1/x, Sin(x) and so forth. As the party progresses, one of the functions notices e^x sitting silently in the corner. He goes over to the lonesome function and says "Come on, come and integrate yourself into the party!"
"Why?" replies e^x, "It won't make any difference!"

msteeln
November 17th, 2009, 08:33 PM
This is probably older than the hills, but I just heard it.

A State Trooper pulls over an old country boy in a pickup, then comes to the window and asks 'got any ID?', the geezer turns and says 'about what?'

:help

Blaze
November 19th, 2009, 06:08 PM
A daughter was not returned to her native Ireland for 5 years. One day she comes home, but has not yet crossed the threshold, that his father roundly scolded her.
>> "Where were you all this time, why have nt you written even a line? You never called.
>> Can you understand what your mother has endured? "
>> The girl began to cry "Daddy, I became a prostitute."
>> "What? Out of here, sinner! Girl of easy virtue" You're a disgrace to this Catholic family. "
>> Yes, Dad ... as you want. I'd just bring it to Mom this magnificent mink coat as a savings certificate of $ 5,000.00. And the title for this house with 10 rooms ..
>> And also an invitation to spend the holidays on my yacht. "
>> Dad asks, "What did you say that you had become?"
>> The girl starts to cry.
>> "A prostitute, Dad"
>> Oh God! You scared me. I thought you said: PROTESTANT!

sunvalleylaw
November 20th, 2009, 08:26 AM
Ok, just heard a bad one:

Q: What part of the body is most musical?

. . .


A. Your NOSE! Because you can PICK it, AND BLOW it!



:rar :help :worthless

kiteman
November 20th, 2009, 08:37 AM
Ok, just heard a bad one:

Q: What part of the body is most musical?

. . .


A. Your NOSE! Because you can PICK it, AND BLOW it!



:rar :help :worthless

But seriously man. :AOK

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGY6-batEio

deeaa
November 20th, 2009, 03:57 PM
One of the funniest I've seen in a while:

<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/obgTQkmWuhY&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/obgTQkmWuhY&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>

oldguy
November 21st, 2009, 09:48 AM
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)


Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
"Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too s--- faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a d---head all day long.

oldguy
November 21st, 2009, 10:08 AM
This is a list of state mottos that were rejected in the U.S. They are either real, or made up, I think. Or not.

ALABAMA: Literacy ain't everything
Ya want fries with dat?

ALASKA: Come, freeze your butt off

ARIZONA: Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds

ARKANSAS: At least we're not Mississippi

CALIFORNIA: The Granola State
Nobody's actually from here
Fast reloading lanes available
The really long state

COLORADO: Too wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here
Official home of the winter ski bunny

CONNECTICUT: Way too close to New York

DELAWARE: You'll need a map to find us
So close to Washington you can smell it

FLORIDA: The Gunshine State
Elephant Graveyard; where the old Republicans
go to die
Senior citizen discounts available
Come, enjoy the humidity
The snow capital of the US

GEORGIA: Home of the Rednecks
Gateway to Florida
Confederate money welcome

HAWAII: Sure, we've got Interstates... drive on over
Book 'em Danno
Tom Selik, Jack Lord, Don Ho - Paradise!
Come, get lai-ed

IDAHO: Ain't nothing here
We don't care if you spell potato with an "e"
Land of a billion "eyes"

ILLINOIS: Land of the voting dead
Gateway to Iowa

INDIANA: Home of David Letterman

IOWA: Just east of Omaha
It's easy to spell

KANSAS: Hayfever capital of the Midwest
Dole slept here
There's no place like home
Ya want flat, we got flat

KENTUCKY: Tobacco is a vegetable
We're all related
Gateway to Nashville

LOUISIANA: Swim the beautiful Bayou
Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will
never hurt you

MAINE: For Sale
You can spit on Canada from here

MARYLAND: If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us

MASSACHUSETTS: Home of the young girls from Nantucket,
also the home of Ted Kennedy, hmmmm...

MICHIGAN: Land of the free, home of the Buick

MINNESOTA: Not Sweden, but we try to act like it
Sure beats Canada

MISSISSIPPI: We're lucky we can spell it
Why would you want to come here?

MISSOURI: Gateway to Kansas
Here's mine, Show Me yours
We're better than Illinois

MONTANA: Land of the Big Sky, and very little else
We've got lots of 10'x10' shacks in the woods
It's where you're wanted.
At least our cows are sane.

NEBRASKA: More corn than Kansas
Go to Kansas, turn north

NEVADA: More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too)
2 words - Death Valley
3:5 you'll leave broke
We have our own nuclear testing site

NEW HAMPSHIRE: Like Old Hampshire, only newer
About as exciting as Vermont

NEW JERSEY: You have the right to remain silent,
You have the right to an attorney...
Tell 'em Guido sent ya

NEW MEXICO: Lizards make excellent pets
We have reservations
Alien Welcome Center - Roswell

NEW YORK: At least we're not New Jersey!
We're more than a big city; we're a state
Like we CARE about a motto
English spoken here; sometimes

NORTH CAROLINA: Five million people; Fifteen last names
We're bigger than South Carolina

NORTH DAKOTA: The OTHER South Dakota

OHIO: Don't judge us by Cleveland
Proud polluters of Lake Erie
We're easy to spell

OKLAHOMA: We're OK, you're NOT!
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto

OREGON: As pretty as California but not as weird
We're not named after a musical instrument
You can see the sunset from here

PENNSYLVANIA: Cook with coal
Free lub job with oil change

RHODE ISLAND: Size ain't everything
Nobody famous came from Rhode Island

SOUTH CAROLINA: Just south of North Carolina

SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer than North Dakota

TENNESSEE: The Educashun State
Thank goodness we've still got Elvis
A great fixer-upper

TEXAS: Si Hablo Ingles
See, EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!

UTAH: Our Jesus is better than your Jesus
At least our sheep can't talk

VERMONT: Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns

VIRGINIA: Please don't confuse us with West Virginia!

WASHINGTON: We like our state, so STAY OUT!

WEST VIRGINIA: Where "family values" has a different meaning

WISCONSIN: Land of funny accents.
Say "Cheeeese"

WYOMING: Where men are lonely and sheep are scared

oldguy
November 21st, 2009, 10:19 AM
The Statements Car Owners are Really Making


Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I
have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for
Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes
when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than
no convertible at all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the
shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune
off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be
inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior
than Isuzu
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife

oldguy
November 21st, 2009, 11:01 AM
(This is one of those stupid e-mails forwarded me by a relative.....but still funny.)

"These are alleged to be some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews: "


Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Blaze
November 25th, 2009, 07:15 PM
http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/10/31/1555652/04.jpg

sumitomo
November 30th, 2009, 06:33 PM
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane.The woman sneezed,took out a tissue,gently wiped her nose,then visbly shuddered for fifteen seconds.
The man went back to reading a magazine but,a few minutes later,the woman sneezed again,took a tissue out,wiped her nose then shuddered violently.
Well this went on for some time and evertime the man just went back to reading his magazine.
Finally the man couldn't take it and asked the woman Are you okay?
The woman answered "Im sorry if I disturbed you,but I have a very rare medical condition-whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
"I've never heard of that condition,the man answered."Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes,the woman said."PEPPER." Sumi:D

sumitomo
December 1st, 2009, 03:00 PM
A few minutes before church services started,the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly,Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance,trampling over each other in a frantic effort to leave the church.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,seemingl oblivious to the fact that's GOD'S ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said,"Do you know who I am?
The man replied,"Yep,sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?"Satan asked
"Nope,sure ain't" said the man
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?"asked Satan
"Don't doubt it for a minute,"replied the old man in a calm voice.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound,horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep,was the calm reply.
"And your still not afraid?"asked Satan
"Nope,"said the old man
More than a little perturbed,Satan asked"Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The old man calmly replied,"Been married to your sister for 48 years."



Sumi:D

oldguy
December 2nd, 2009, 05:40 PM
THE DEAD DUCK

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$250?" she cried, "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $250

oldguy
December 2nd, 2009, 05:42 PM
In Church the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

oldguy
December 9th, 2009, 05:28 PM
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk
from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the
saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to
buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.
The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay
you twenty dollars for that cat.” And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat. The
collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old
saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.” And the owner
says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight
cats.”

oldguy
December 9th, 2009, 05:29 PM
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

Blaze
December 9th, 2009, 05:42 PM
Translation : WHO ELSE HAS SLEPT WITH TIGER ?


http://ygreck.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8341c5dd653ef0120a7288c9c970b-800wi

deeaa
December 10th, 2009, 12:16 AM
Here's some Finnish cartoons from the biggest newspaper of the country:

(This guy makes the funniest cartoons in years)
http://www.hs.fi/kuvat/iso_webkuva/1135251351255.gif

Kinda like Gary Larson, whose work I always loved...often no translation necessary. And usually much more anarchy in the strips than Larson.

Here's a more controversial strip from a few days back:

http://www.hs.fi/kuvat/iso_webkuva/1135251203898.gif

Translation: 'Haa! So you are followers of Jesus? - The lions will have a tasty meal out of you - you're very welcome!'

Or:

http://www.soundi.fi/files/juntunen/juho_0307_03.jpg

'Shitty weather'

Or:

http://www.soundi.fi/files/juntunen/juhokuva1-6_99.jpg

1st: 'I'm gonna go teach the son some swimming'
2nd: ' I just counted I have nine holes in me. May I now count your holes?'

LOL...very Finnish humour I guess.

Robert
December 10th, 2009, 12:22 AM
Here's another good comic strip...

http://rulingcatsanddogs.com/contents/funny-pics/page-2/large-files/funny-lost-puppy-cartoon-comic-strip-pet-humor-pic.jpg

oldguy
December 10th, 2009, 07:18 AM
Sven and Olie worked together and were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Olie answered, "Panty stitcher: I sew the elastic onto women's panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it under unskilled labor, so she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel was a skilled job, the clerk gave him $600 a week.

When Ollie found he was furious. He stormed back into his office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Olie. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says: "Yah, diesel fitter."

oldguy
December 10th, 2009, 03:36 PM
Translation : WHO ELSE HAS SLEPT WITH TIGER ?


http://ygreck.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8341c5dd653ef0120a7288c9c970b-800wi


He's Baaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkk.

He has the eye of a tigah, but he's more cheetah these daze......

fIPsH57dZIY&feature=player_embedded

Blaze
December 11th, 2009, 02:48 PM
Robin Williams on Scottsman & Golf .. (Some ''F" words in there )

http://www.golfun.net/videos_williams.htm

Robert
December 11th, 2009, 03:03 PM
http://mgsrvr.com/729c3bc9f64776f80b785490c8e64ae6.jpeg

oldguy
December 18th, 2009, 11:48 AM
Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 .. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems
CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know

oldguy
December 23rd, 2009, 05:53 AM
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Spudman
December 23rd, 2009, 10:32 AM
Ewwww. Good one.:AOK

Spudman
February 1st, 2010, 10:34 AM
Janet's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Janet was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Janet asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied..

Janet told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart.. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Janet asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it..."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''

bcdon
February 1st, 2010, 11:38 AM
A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg and asked, “How did you get that?”

The pirate said, “Aye, I wrestled a great white shark and he bit off me leg.”

The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked, “How did you get that?”

The pirate said: “Aye, I was in a sword fight against three privateers. Killed 'em all, but one of 'em cut off me hand.”

The sailor pointed to the pirate’s eye patch and asked, “How did you get that?”

The pirate said, “Aye, a seagull came by and pooped in me eye.”

The sailor asked, “How could you lose your eye from that?"

“Aye,” the pirate answered. “It was me first day with the hook.”

Bloozcat
February 1st, 2010, 11:46 AM
Subject: Early dismissal

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
The teacher said, "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and
correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta
here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may
also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bit*hes would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

Robert
February 1st, 2010, 04:02 PM
How does a Lead Guitarist change a lightbulb?
He holds it and the world revolves around him.

What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
So the rest of the band can understand them.

mainestratman
February 1st, 2010, 04:30 PM
I don't know if these have been covered...

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?

He keeps speeding up and never knows when to come in...

Heywood Jablomie
February 1st, 2010, 07:47 PM
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw!

Spudman
February 3rd, 2010, 05:37 PM
An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over...

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But, let me tell you about my weekend!'

Spudman
March 3rd, 2010, 12:12 PM
Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.




Your loving daughter,

Alice

kiteman
March 3rd, 2010, 12:23 PM
Heh, the last two lines got me. :dude

Rampant
March 11th, 2010, 12:39 PM
Went to the doctors last week.

Doctor said that I'm paranoid!!!!



.... he didn't actually [i]say[i] that, but I could tell that's what he was thinking.

FrankenFretter
March 11th, 2010, 02:17 PM
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw!


Hmmm...You been hanging around Sweet Home, Heywood?

Heywood Jablomie
March 11th, 2010, 02:34 PM
Hmmm...You been hanging around Sweet Home, Heywood?
LOL. .....or Lebanon

BTW, we're practically neighbors - I'm in Corvallis

sumitomo
March 12th, 2010, 09:44 AM
Hmmm...You been hanging around Sweet Home, Heywood?

I think you guys are mixed up,you mean Prineville!Sheep run and hide there,I've never seen a sheep in Prineville,but everyone looks like your sister? Sumi:D

msteeln
March 12th, 2010, 12:31 PM
1st graders were instructed to draw the person they most respected. As the teacher went around the class inspecting the children's progress she stopped and asked one girl what she was drawing. The child said "I'm drawing God". The amused teacher then explaind that nobody knows what God actually look's like. The girl quickly responded without even looking up, "they will in a minute!".

poodlesrule
March 27th, 2010, 06:48 AM
... to screw in a light bulb?



scroll down





some more







Answer:
Five - One to turn the bulb and four to complain that it's electric.




(source: www.guitartips.addr.com/guitar_jokes.html)

Spudman
March 31st, 2010, 03:13 PM
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven


1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---
we'd both still be alive.

Robert
March 31st, 2010, 03:29 PM
Spud, that was awesome! :D :D :D

Here's 2 short ones:

Teacher asked : Why are you late for school?
Johnny: Because of the Sign.
Teacher : What Sign?
Johnny : The sign that says "School ahead go slow"
------
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
- That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

deeaa
April 1st, 2010, 05:36 AM
Coupla of short, morbid ones:

- Mom! Why is dad running?
- Shut up and hand me more ammo!

**

- Mom, why didn't I get no xmas present at all?
- Well, its 'coz you're dying of cancer shortly anyway

**

- Hey kids, whatcha doing there?
- Playing cannibals!
- Is our Pete there too?
- Not any more he's not!

**

- Hey son, what are you builing in the basement with your friends?
- *mumbles*
- WHAT!?!
- a guillotine for stray dogs!
- Heh, thank god! I though you said gulpin' beer and stong grogs for a sec there!

**

sumitomo
April 14th, 2010, 05:39 PM
Found an old vid of a party I went to once!kDIgoHVjvSA:happy Sumi:D

Spudman
April 14th, 2010, 10:18 PM
Cute Sumi. What fruit does that?

sumitomo
April 15th, 2010, 07:50 AM
You know I can't remember? Sumi:D:D Really though there is very little water in that region and with the heat the fruit ferments right on the tree.

sumitomo
April 26th, 2010, 01:35 PM
Coyote Population


The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest service were presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population.It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators,the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed wasfor the animals to be captured alive,the males would then be castrated and let loose again.Therefore the population would be controlled.This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazinng idea for a couple of minutes.Finally,one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up,tipped his hat back and said,'Son,I don't think you understand our problem.Those coyotes ain't f--kin' our sheep..........they're eatin''em!"


Sumi:D

sumitomo
April 27th, 2010, 02:49 PM
miBMb43x3YwSumi:D
Hey Robert now This could cause a brown out!

Spudman
April 27th, 2010, 09:15 PM
That video is a riot!:AOK

Robert
April 27th, 2010, 09:40 PM
Got it Sumi! Thanks! :D

sumitomo
April 28th, 2010, 07:33 AM
This on is good also! Sumi:D yqq5fcPYrLs

FrankenFretter
April 28th, 2010, 01:10 PM
LOL. .....or Lebanon

BTW, we're practically neighbors - I'm in Corvallis

Yeah, I remember that. Hence the Sweet Home reference. I've never actually been there, btw. I have heard stories, though.

I love Corvallis. You ever eat at Local Boys?

FrankenFretter
April 28th, 2010, 01:16 PM
miBMb43x3YwSumi:D
Hey Robert now This could cause a brown out!

I laughed so hard, I almost had a yellow out!

Stop me if you've heard this one:

An Irishman walks past a bar...

Mr Pants
August 30th, 2010, 12:59 PM
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.

Spudman
August 30th, 2010, 11:06 PM
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
:rollover

Mr Pants
August 31st, 2010, 01:07 PM
I've got a few more but I'm going to ration them out.....

Mr Pants
September 3rd, 2010, 03:11 PM
A retro joke - What password does O J Simpson use on his computer?
slash,slash, back slash, escape.

Robert
September 3rd, 2010, 03:41 PM
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Mr Pants
September 29th, 2010, 09:22 AM
Someone just threw a big block of cheese at me. I said that's not very mature, is it?

Mr Pants
October 1st, 2010, 03:00 AM
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted

Mr Pants
October 24th, 2010, 08:14 AM
A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, 'I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

deeaa
October 24th, 2010, 10:16 AM
Lol

Spudman
November 11th, 2010, 05:47 PM
Colorado Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody.

A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him..

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Denver Broncos, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Eric
November 11th, 2010, 08:15 PM
Colorado Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody.

A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him..

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Denver Broncos, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Nice. I was sure to read that one line-by-line to avoid peeping, and it was worth it. :)

sumitomo
December 6th, 2010, 01:42 PM
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note,he felt there must be a mistake.He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,"I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said,"No,I want 25 gallons.I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a bath so I can look young and beautiful again."The milkman asked,"Do you want it pasteurized?"The blonde said,"No,just up to my tits.I can splash it on my eyes." Sumi:D

Katastrophe
December 6th, 2010, 09:52 PM
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good one, sumi!

sumitomo
December 28th, 2010, 05:50 PM
It's a proven fact that women can only drive 68 miles per hour,cause when they hit 69 they flip over and blow a rod!! Sumi:D

Spudman
January 25th, 2011, 09:05 PM
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!

Why are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

bcdon
January 25th, 2011, 09:56 PM
HAHA. Thanks Sumi and Spudman, those are awesome!!

Spudman
January 28th, 2011, 12:10 PM
When Gene Krupa died, being one of the greatest drummers of all time, he of
course went to heaven. (Gene wasn't perfect, but God appreciates talent). When
Krupa arrived at the pearly gates, St Peter told him that they had him all set
up with his own cloud and a vintage set of Ludwigs, an exact replica of the kit
he used back on earth. He asked Gene if he had any other requests, and Gene
says, "Just one. Now that I'm here, all I want is to be able to play the drums
and not have to worry about Buddy Rich. I hate that SOB, and I don't want to
see, hear, or in any way have to deal with that arrogant bastard ever again."
"No problem," St Peter said. "Consider it done."

So a couple of days later, Gene is jamming away on his cloud, and all of a
sudden he hears some awesome drumming off in the distance. It was so clean and
fast and furious, there was only one person who it could be. Gene was absolutely
livid, so he went straight to St Peter and said "What's the deal? I ask for one
little thing, just one, and before I know it, here comes Buddy Rich. Are you
trying to drive me crazy?"

"Oh, that's not Buddy Rich, " said St Peter. "It's God. He just thinks he's
Buddy Rich."

kiteman
February 1st, 2011, 02:23 PM
This guy decided he wants an unusual pet so he went to a pet store and after looking around bought a centipede. He decided to name him Clyde.

When they got home the guy went about setting up a pad for Clyde to sleep and after the work he said to Clyde, "What say we go hit a bar and down a few suds?"

Clyde said nothing.

After a while the guy said, "C'mon, let's go to the bar."

Still Clyde said nothing.

Exasperated the guy said, "Don't you want to go to a bar with me or not Clyde?"

Clyde said, "I heard you the first time man, I'm putting my shoes on!"

poodlesrule
February 25th, 2011, 11:06 AM
Pokemon: a Jamaican proctologist.



(I have two on staff, neither of them Jamaicans, sadly...!)

bcdon
February 25th, 2011, 08:01 PM
(I have two on staff, neither of them Jamaicans, sadly...!)

You have two what on staff? Pokemons or proctologists?

Spudman
February 25th, 2011, 08:26 PM
Seeing Katastrophe's post reminded me of a joke.

Do you know what the definition of "catastrophe" is? It's the award for the kitten with the nicest buns.

I'm lost.

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/funny-pictures-cat-warms-your-hot-dog-buns.jpg

oldguy
February 26th, 2011, 06:14 AM
cat as trophe
(cat's) as$ trophy

kiteman
February 26th, 2011, 06:39 AM
I thought this one up.

What do you call a domesticated Buick?

A carpet. :dance

ZMAN
February 26th, 2011, 07:24 AM
I hope nobody posted this one.
A guy finally saves up enough money to buy a Super Bowl Ticket. He heads out to the game and finds his seat. He sits down and he sees an empty seat and a guy sitting on the other side. He turns to the guy and says "wow an empty seat at the Super Bowl. " The guy turns to him with a sad look and says yes that was is my wife's seat. We never missed a game in 25 years. And she passed away. The first guy gives his condolences and sits back. it really bugs him that the guy would keep an empty seat, so he blurts out. Couldn't you give the seat to one of your friends or relatives.
The second guys says No they are all at the funeral!

poodlesrule
March 14th, 2011, 06:57 PM
Did you hear about the computer programmer who starved to death in the
shower? The shampoo directions said, "Wash, rinse, repeat."

.

Eric
March 15th, 2011, 05:58 AM
Did you hear about the computer programmer who starved to death in the
shower? The shampoo directions said, "Wash, rinse, repeat."
Nice. That's worth at least a chuckle.

Robert
March 15th, 2011, 11:53 AM
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Please
be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "its not just one car Its hundreds of them!"

poodlesrule
March 15th, 2011, 02:45 PM
.... Posted in a veterinarian's office: "Back in 5 minutes. Sit. Stay."


.

poodlesrule
October 25th, 2011, 03:40 PM
Come on people, we need some levity!

Here's one:

Marriage Counseling

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife go for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife starts in on a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the years they've been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she's had to endure.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I go fishing."


.

Robert
October 13th, 2014, 09:08 PM
metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.

tjcurtin1
October 14th, 2014, 05:55 PM
Wow - working through that thread to get here reminded me of a lot of old names and avatars... Where are they now? Miss a lot of those fine folks.

deeaa
October 15th, 2014, 01:26 AM
I bet many still lurk here, even if don't post so often. I've been posting to agf of late and basically the same as articles on a Finnish forum often, hasn't seemed like a sensible thing to post the same stuff to a third place.

Here's a broken down Gibson Faded SG I completely refinished and overhauled with reshaped neck and all though, the end result is on the vid:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5okJYzIBjM&sns=em

Sent from my LG-D802 using Tapatalk

Robert
October 15th, 2014, 03:55 PM
I bet many still lurk here, even if don't post so often. I've been posting to agf of late and basically the same as articles on a Finnish forum often, hasn't seemed like a sensible thing to post the same stuff to a third place.

Here's a broken down Gibson Faded SG I completely refinished and overhauled with reshaped neck and all though, the end result is on the vid:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5okJYzIBjM&sns=em

Sent from my LG-D802 using Tapatalk

Is that supposed to be funny? :D :rollover