Tynee
March 11th, 2008, 01:09 PM
I'm sure this has been circulated around here, but its probably worth a read:
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something
extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-
sized taser. The effects of the taser
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an
assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun
--adequatetime to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, I
bought
the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and
pushed
the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read')
that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it agains t a metal surface at the same
time; I'd
get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs
and
I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to
Toni
what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home
alone
with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad
with only
two triple-A batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood
moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?? So, there I
sat in
a pair of shorts and a tank top with my rea ding glasses perched
delicately on
the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The
directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries. So, I'm sitting there alone,
Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do
it,'
reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't
hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for
the heck
of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure
Jessie
Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and bo
dy
slammed us both on the carpet,over and over and over again. I vaguely
recall
wakingup on my side in the fetal position, with tears in myeyes, body
soaking
wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. You
should
know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,that there
is no
such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let
go of
that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
about on
the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I
can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected what little
wits I
had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right
thigh
and both nipples were still twitching.My face felt like it had been s hot
up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my
testicles!!
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something
extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-
sized taser. The effects of the taser
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an
assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun
--adequatetime to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, I
bought
the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and
pushed
the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read')
that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it agains t a metal surface at the same
time; I'd
get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs
and
I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to
Toni
what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home
alone
with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad
with only
two triple-A batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood
moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?? So, there I
sat in
a pair of shorts and a tank top with my rea ding glasses perched
delicately on
the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The
directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries. So, I'm sitting there alone,
Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do
it,'
reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't
hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for
the heck
of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure
Jessie
Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and bo
dy
slammed us both on the carpet,over and over and over again. I vaguely
recall
wakingup on my side in the fetal position, with tears in myeyes, body
soaking
wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. You
should
know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,that there
is no
such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let
go of
that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
about on
the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I
can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected what little
wits I
had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right
thigh
and both nipples were still twitching.My face felt like it had been s hot
up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my
testicles!!
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.