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Spudman
June 7th, 2006, 12:46 AM
This is located on the Kinman web site and I thought it should have a home here too.

The rules of the blues
1. Most blues begin "I woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. "I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town."
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars are Chevies, Fords, Cadillacs, and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. You can't have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. mauve
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues: a. the highway b. the jailhouse c. the empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass Bad places: a. Nordstrom's b. Gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: a. you older than dirt b. you blind c. your first name is a southern state like Georgia. d. you shot a man in Memphis. e. you can't be satisfied. No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you once were blind but now can see. c. the man in Memphis lived c. you have a 401K or a trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee Blues beverages are NOT: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim-Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or dying lonely on a broken-down cot. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment or a tennis match.
16. Some Blues names for Women a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Lightning
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. It doesn't matter how tragic your life is: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.

SuperSwede
June 7th, 2006, 02:59 AM
Amazing. This should be a sticky post :D

Robert
June 7th, 2006, 07:49 AM
Fantastic! It has been stickied.

Iago
June 7th, 2006, 08:01 AM
HAHAhahahaHAHHAHAHAhahaha... Man, that made me laugh!! Specially the 19th!

tremoloman
July 9th, 2006, 10:56 AM
Nice post!

I think a could of items I'd add to the list are:

You cannot play the blues if:

Your guitar has any sharp jagged or pointed edges
Your guitar has a punk band sticker on itYou can play the blues if:

Your guitar is named after a woman who dumped you and broke your heart leaving an eternal emotional scar
You name your 1st born 'Muddy', 'Willie', or 'B.B.'
Hey... I gave it a shot! :P

SuperSwede
July 10th, 2006, 12:25 AM
You cannot play the blues if:
Your guitar has any sharp jagged or pointed edges


Are you sure??? :D
http://vintageguitars.org.uk/graphics/jimihendrix4.jpg

Tim
July 10th, 2006, 04:31 AM
This is very good stuff. I like the lesson on how to sing the "blues". I take exception to #20. If I have a computer and it does not work, then I definitely got the blues.

bluesbreaker
January 25th, 2007, 07:41 PM
There goes my "Low-Down Malware Virus Blues" song!! Here and I thought it would be a hit, too.

Great post!

doomhauer
January 29th, 2007, 02:17 PM
Heheh... saw this somewhere else recently and it cracks me up especially 18

No matter how many men they shoot in Memphis :D

ShortBuSX
January 29th, 2007, 09:40 PM
But is it sticky worthy?

Spudman
January 29th, 2007, 11:02 PM
But is it sticky worthy?

To ask that question implies that you do not know what the blues is. For that you must either loose your woman, your home, your guitar or you can take the easy way out and send a financial donation to Robert to help support this web site. :)

oldguy
January 29th, 2007, 11:20 PM
To ask that question implies that you do not know what the blues is. For that you must either loose your woman, your home, your guitar or you can take the easy way out and send a financial donation to Robert to help support this web site. :)

I've already done that. When do the blues kick in? (Check list...lost.....)
(Woman...check...)
(Home...check...)
(Guitar...check...)
(Donation...check...)
OOOooohhh...
I oughta be able to play those blues shortly now...
Already lived the blues, might as well start playin' 'em...

Spudman
January 30th, 2007, 12:40 AM
I've already done that. When do the blues kick in? (Check list...lost.....)
(Woman...check...)
(Home...check...)
(Guitar...check...)
(Donation...check...)
OOOooohhh...
I oughta be able to play those blues shortly now...
Already lived the blues, might as well start playin' 'em...

(bowing reverently before you) Ahhhhhhh. You are most worthy and kin (now putting arm around shoulder). Follow me to the bar. We have much to talk about.:cool:


Look on the bright side...you didn't say you lost your luggage. Nobody ever writes blues songs about luggage anyway.:D

oldguy
January 30th, 2007, 06:24 AM
(bowing reverently before you) Ahhhhhhh. You are most worthy and kin (now putting arm around shoulder). Follow me to the bar. We have much to talk about.:cool:


Look on the bright side...you didn't say you lost your luggage. Nobody ever writes blues songs about luggage anyway.:D

Nope, still got that one piece of Samsonite in OD green.:D
And the rest was over a decade ago...I'm over that bridge and into a new age of enlightenment. Sans the bars, thank goodness.
"Be kind to others"...I like that..."and ignore those who are incapable of being kind to you, if possible.


"Well, I didn't lose my suitcase, and my dog, he's still my friend,"
"Yeah, I didn't lose my sootcase, an' mah dog, he' still mah friend,"
"I'll play this gitar, an' she'll love me, right up until the bitter end"


"Go, ahead, tell 'em 'bout it, Madeline..."

tot_Ou_tard
January 30th, 2007, 07:49 AM
Nope, still got that one piece of Samsonite in OD green.:D

Man Oldy, I don't know what to think. You are either waaaay cool, a genius, or tooooo obsessed. You're the only guy I know who overdrives his luggage.

So how did you modify that tubscreamer to push that baggage to the edge of breakup?





"Well, I didn't lose my suitcase, and my dog, he's still my friend,"
"Yeah, I didn't lose my sootcase, an' mah dog, he' still mah friend,"
"I'll play this gitar, an' she'll love me, right up until the bitter end"


"Go, ahead, tell 'em 'bout it, Madeline..."

BrrrrrrruuuuuuuMMMM! BOOOM!

Damn! dere she went!

Spudman
January 30th, 2007, 08:27 AM
"Go, ahead, tell 'em 'bout it, Madeline..."


Madeline!!?? That's a Winger song. They aren't blues. Man you really are into a new age.:D

oldguy
January 30th, 2007, 08:44 AM
Madeline!!?? That's a Winger song. They aren't blues. Man you really are into a new age.:D

Boy, do you ever have a short memory!:D
You don't remember Maddie Brown?:confused:

Spudman
January 30th, 2007, 06:15 PM
Boy, do you ever have a short memory!:D
You don't remember Maddie Brown?:confused:

Sorry. I musta had too many toasted marshmallows or sumtin. Thanks for the memory jog. Hey! That's exercise- memory jog.:D

ShortBuSX
March 8th, 2007, 06:34 PM
BTW, I heard a John Lee Hooker JR song the other day...that started out with...
"I got a text message from my baby..."

and I immediately thought of this thread.:D

zeusse
May 9th, 2007, 02:30 AM
Good list of rules #20 is my reason I guess for not being able to sing..LOL

guitartist
May 14th, 2007, 08:38 AM
BTW, I heard a John Lee Hooker JR song the other day...that started out with...
"I got a text message from my baby..."

and I immediately thought of this thread.:D



I remember reading an article on John Lee Hooker in an issue of Rolling Stone about 20 years ago that started out with John Lee Hooker watching an episode of the Flintstones on a big screen tv....that just somehow seemed so wrong to me....not at all how I pictured ol'John Lee hanging out at home.

(I got to meet John Lee Hooker and shake his hand...one of my favorite memories as a blues fan!)

ShortBuSX
May 14th, 2007, 08:41 AM
John Lee Hooker watching an episode of the Flintstones on a big screen tv....that just somehow seemed so wrong to me....not at all how I pictured ol'John Lee hanging out at home.


I could see John Lee Hooker doing bong tokes and veggin out to the Flintstones:cool:

guitartist
May 14th, 2007, 09:20 AM
I could see John Lee Hooker doing bong tokes and veggin out to the Flintstones:cool:


LOL! That sounds exactly like one of my best friends actually...but he sure doesn't sound like John Lee Hooker when he plays (well when he used to play, anyways)

The 'Stones RULE!

ShortBuSX
May 14th, 2007, 10:09 AM
LOL! That sounds exactly like one of my best friends actually...but he sure doesn't sound like John Lee Hooker when he plays (well when he used to play, anyways)


Could you imagine "Blues fo' sum brownies"???

Jampy
August 30th, 2007, 02:09 PM
You can sing the blues if you live in Canada, have you seen our winters !?!

Tim
August 30th, 2007, 04:29 PM
Hey !!! Right now I am singing the "Oil Sludge Blues" I am fighting Toyota with a 2004 Corolla which is burning 1 qts of oil per 800 miles. It only has 30,000 miles on it. They pulled the valve cover off yesterday and are saying I never changed the oil. I showed them receipts and they pointed out that I went 2,000 mile over the limit of every 5,000 miles. A new short block will cost me $4,000.00. So tomorrow I go to battle stations, DEFCON 1.

I think this qualifies for having the BLUES!

kiteman
September 14th, 2007, 01:53 AM
Anyone had "boxcar blues?" :)

I hopped the freight train in Las Cruces to Los Angeles when my car broke down. I started in San Antonio and I wasn't going back.

EDIT: Yea, I left the car on the highway. :(

sunvalleylaw
September 14th, 2007, 08:57 AM
Anyone had "boxcar blues?" :)

I hopped the freight train in Las Cruces to Los Angeles when my car broke down. I started in San Antonio and I wasn't going back.

EDIT: Yea, I left the car on the highway. :(

Nope, but I had "Greyhound Blues" in a similar situation. Had to sit next to a long haul trucker with a 2 litre soda bottle he was filling with tobacco chew juice and hear him tell me about the details of making meth and how you could tell a lot about it by what color it was, and how many long haul truckers used it in poorly repaired rigs on our western freeways. This was back in the late 80s. I know there are truckers here and I took what he said with several big grains of salt. It was a surreal trip though. :bootyshake::messedup:

navvid
October 28th, 2007, 04:30 PM
My eyes are tearing up, seriously. Thanks for the post.

duhvoodooman
October 28th, 2007, 04:44 PM
You want Duh Blooz???? My daughter is going to college next year and she has it whittled down between NYU and BU. They're both 50 G's a year!! :eek: THAT'S the blues!!! Good-bye, GAS funds..... :(

pie_man_25
November 19th, 2007, 06:16 PM
You want Duh Blooz???? My daughter is going to college next year and she has it whittled down between NYU and BU. They're both 50 G's a year!! :eek: THAT'S the blues!!! Good-bye, GAS funds..... :(

+1, my sister is going to university and chose to take the U of W, which was a good choice because she's still paying 30,000 a year and she doesn't have to pay for housing this way.

pie_man_25
January 16th, 2008, 05:59 PM
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
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would apple pie jackson work for a blues name(because you know, I'm the pie man)?

Spudman
January 16th, 2008, 09:32 PM
would apple pie jackson work for a blues name(because you know, I'm the pie man)?

Maybe that or Sweetie Pie Jackson. :D Depends on how the hoochie mamas like you.

Danzego
January 16th, 2008, 10:39 PM
Apple Pie? Nah, too Patriotic. I would go with lemon or rhubarb, instead.


Or even better, skip the fruit rule and change presidents: PORK Pie Washington. That's my vote. :cool:

marnold
January 17th, 2008, 12:39 PM
would apple pie jackson work for a blues name(because you know, I'm the pie man)?
Apple Pie Jackson: No
Blind Apple Pie Jackson: YES!

Justaguyin_nc
January 17th, 2008, 03:03 PM
Sweetpotato Pie Jackson :sure
Custard Pie Jackson ofcourse

Apple or Lemon Meringue Jackson :questionable

Peach cobbler Jackson :hmmm

pie_man_25
January 17th, 2008, 07:11 PM
Apple Pie? Nah, too Patriotic. I would go with lemon or rhubarb, instead.


Or even better, skip the fruit rule and change presidents: PORK Pie Washington. That's my vote. :cool:

actually, mistaking apple pie with america is a common mistake, pie, of any kind, is ancient though of a largely british origin.

also, it leads into the deep american south thing, I also like jefferson for a name, peach cobbler is a particularly nice one too, these are all valid names, and are all gold :AOK:

pie_man_25
January 17th, 2008, 07:12 PM
Sweetpotato Pie Jackson :sure
Custard Pie Jackson ofcourse

Apple or Lemon Meringue Jackson :questionable

Peach cobbler Jackson :hmmm

sweetpotato pie, I like the sound of that, are there any recipies?

Justaguyin_nc
January 17th, 2008, 07:41 PM
sweetpotato pie, I like the sound of that, are there any recipies?

1 (1 pound) sweet potato
1/2 cup butter, softened
1 cup white sugar
1/2 cup milk
2 eggs
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 (9 inch) unbaked pie crust

DIRECTIONS
Boil sweet potato whole in skin for 40 to 50 minutes, or until done.
Run cold water over the sweet potato, and remove the skin.
Break apart sweet potato in a bowl. Add butter, and mix well with mixer.
Stir in sugar, milk, eggs, nutmeg, cinnamon and vanilla.
Beat on medium speed until mixture is smooth.
Pour filling into an unbaked pie crust.
Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 55 to 60 minutes,
or until knife inserted in center comes out clean.
(always play a 12bars blues during this hour to insure bluesy pie)
Pie will puff up like a souffle <--not bluesy, and then will sink down as it cools. <---very bluesy!!

:AOK:

Spudman
January 17th, 2008, 08:27 PM
I'd say Peach Cobbler Johnson is pretty cool, but I think it belongs to a porn star already. :whatever:

snoglobe
January 17th, 2008, 10:56 PM
If you want some fun with generating your own blues song, try this:

http://www.desktopblues.lichtlabor.ch/

I laughed till it hurt. The desktoprock is cool too, but the blues one makes me howl.

Justaguyin_nc
January 18th, 2008, 12:59 AM
If you want some fun with generating your own blues song, try this:

http://www.desktopblues.lichtlabor.ch/

I laughed till it hurt. The desktoprock is cool too, but the blues one makes me howl.

it is kinda cute.. I liked the shower singer.. but the voices change so its a multi-use shower..:pancake:

pie_man_25
January 20th, 2008, 05:28 PM
1 (1 pound) sweet potato
1/2 cup butter, softened
1 cup white sugar
1/2 cup milk
2 eggs
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 (9 inch) unbaked pie crust

DIRECTIONS
Boil sweet potato whole in skin for 40 to 50 minutes, or until done.
Run cold water over the sweet potato, and remove the skin.
Break apart sweet potato in a bowl. Add butter, and mix well with mixer.
Stir in sugar, milk, eggs, nutmeg, cinnamon and vanilla.
Beat on medium speed until mixture is smooth.
Pour filling into an unbaked pie crust.
Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 55 to 60 minutes,
or until knife inserted in center comes out clean.
(always play a 12bars blues during this hour to insure bluesy pie)
Pie will puff up like a souffle <--not bluesy, and then will sink down as it cools. <---very bluesy!!

:AOK:
thanks justaguy

pie_man_25
February 2nd, 2008, 01:04 PM
question: how many blues musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

answer: none, because they can't afford lights!!