Cheesy joke thread. come on everyone contribute!

[The_Shredinator21]

Ok, this thread is basically what that name says it is. Say all of your cheesy or funny jokes. I'll start it off.

There is a blond who goes into a store and says to the cashier i would like to buy that VCR, and the store clerk says we dont sell to blonds.
So the blond goes and dyes her hair brown. She then goes back to the store and says i would like to buy that VCR and the clerk says i dont sell to blonds.
She then goes and dyes her hair green and goes back into the store and says i would like to buy that VCR. The clerk says we don't sell to blonds. The now green blond says "Well why not?" and the clerk says. Because thats a TV:thwap: :rotflmao: :bravo:

this thread is not ment to hurt anyones feelings

[pes_laul]

oh man I got a million

horse walk into a bar bartender says why the long face :thwap:


two muffins in a oven one says to the other "boy its hot in here" the other one says " oh my god a talking muffin" :rotflmao:

[Glacies]

Here's one from the best movie ever made:

Why do cows wear bells?

Cuz their horns don't work!

[just strum]

http://www.thefret.net/showthread.php?p=104213#post104213

[luvmyshiner]

Three blonds are walking on the beach when they discover a magic lantern. They rub it, and a genie pops out promising to grant each of them a wish.

The first blond says "I'm tired of all these dumb blond jokes, I want to be twice as smart as I am now". So POOF . . . she was brunette.

The second blond says "I agree, these blond jokes are ridiculous I want to be THREE times smarter." So POOF . . . she was brunette and her breasts disappeared.

Third blond says "Look, I know a good thing when I see it, and you girls are making a mistake. I want to be twice as dumb as I am now." So POOF . . . she was a man.

Tell that to all your female friends. It really pisses 'em off because they're all set to rip into you until the punch line, then they can't be mad.:D

[marnold]

Obligatory Monty Python joke. I'll apologize in advance. Pes and Shred, please leave the room.







They gone?





Good.





"I'm tired of all this sex on the television. I mean . . . I keep falling off!"

[Katastrophe]

Obligatory Monty Python joke. I'll apologize in advance. Pes and Shred, please leave the room.







They gone?





Good.





"I'm tired of all this sex on the television. I mean . . . I keep falling off!"
:rotflmao:
That's it... I hereby officially ask to be included as a member of your congregation Rev... Do you do sermons on the Web?:AOK:

[luvmyshiner]

:rotflmao:
That's it... I hereby officially ask to be included as a member of your congregation Rev... Do you do sermons on the Web?:AOK:

And can I drink a beer while I'm watching them?:beer:

[bigoldron]

:rotflmao:
That's it... I hereby officially ask to be included as a member of your congregation Rev... Do you do sermons on the Web?:AOK:

Hey, I'll play in your online praise band! Krashpad may want to join us too! :rockon:

[luvmyshiner]

This one may be a little much, but it made me laugh (and my brother put it on the announcement board in his church).

http://i103.photobucket.com/albums/m159/luvmyshiner/5-16-08.gif

If it's inappropriate y'all let me know and I'll voluntarily remove it.

[Spudman]

How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it.


How do you cook toilet paper?
Brown on one side and toss it in the pot.


What's green and red and goes 50 mph?
Frog in a blender.


What's green on the inside and white on the outside and hops?
A frog sandwich.

[Ch0jin]

This one may be a little much, but it made me laugh (and my brother put it on the announcement board in his church).

http://i103.photobucket.com/albums/m159/luvmyshiner/5-16-08.gif

If it's inappropriate y'all let me know and I'll voluntarily remove it.

Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! That was great.

My old man was a carpenter so I shot that over to him as well.

[oldguy]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
:D

[warren0728]

^^ now that's funny....i don't care who you are! ^^
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[bigoldron]

OK, so I'll share my favorite cheesy joke for 9 year-olds:

How do you catch a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and put peas around it.
When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole!

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[Spudman]

What do you call a happy Roman?

Gladiator

[pes_laul]

do you catch a tiger?

Dig a hole and fill it with ashes and put peas around it, and when it comes by to take a pea kick it in the ashhole :rotflmao:

EDIT: My bad I posted pretty much the same joke as bigoldron:thwap:

[Spudman]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter?


Elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

[peachhead]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"


A vulture boards an airplane with two dead raccoons. The flight attendant says to him, "Sorry, only one carrion per passenger."

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!

[bigoldron]

EDIT: My bad I posted pretty much the same joke as bigoldron:thwap:

That's OK, Pes. I guess you and your buddy have spent too much time listening to the Jonas Brothers... :poke: :rotflmao:

[pes_laul]

That's OK, Pes. I guess you and your buddy have spent too much time listening to the Jonas Brothers... :poke: :rotflmao:
see what you've done aaron:reallymad::rotflmao:

[bigoldron]

see what you've done aaron:reallymad::rotflmao:


OK, that reminds me of a cheesy church joke:

How do we know that Moses wore a toupe? Because he came to see Pharoah with Aaron... (think about it, it'll hit ya!) :rotflmao:

[The_Shredinator21]

see what you've done aaron:reallymad::rotflmao:


haha, now should I make you sound like a Hannah Montana fan?:poke: :rotflmao:

[bigoldron]

haha, now should I make you sound like a Hannah Montana fan?:poke: :rotflmao:


Why not? He's looking for a new jacket and I'm sure he can get a HM jacket in his size. :rotflmao:

[warren0728]

Why not? He's looking for a new jacket and I'm sure he can get a HM jacket in his size. :rotflmao:
of course he better get one a little too big for him so when he starts flexing those muscles he doesn't rip it.... :thwap: :pancake: :rotflmao: :poke:

[bigoldron]

of course he better get one a little too big for him so when he starts flexing those muscles he doesn't rip it.... :thwap: :pancake: :rotflmao: :poke:


While he's at it, he ought to get his buddy Shred a Tinker Bell jacket too! :rotflmao: :whatever:

[pes_laul]

ok you know what :rotflmao:

[Spudman]

I've got a good one:

How do you keep a moron in suspense?

[The_Shredinator21]

I've got a good one:

How do you keep a moron in suspense?

I don't get it.....:thwap:

Haha just kidding:rotflmao:

[Spudman]

Did you know there are three types of people?

Those that can count, and those that cant.

[marnold]

Geek joke alert!

There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

[bigoldron]

Geek joke alert!

There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Druther binary than hex... :rotflmao:

[Bloozcat]

A Bad Day

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his
drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making
biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it
down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a
menacing stare as if to say,

'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the
biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand
to see a man crying.

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little
guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I
overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my
boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found
my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife
in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to
put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink
the damn poison.


Where Did The White Man Go Wrong?

Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government
official,
"You have observed the white man for 90 years.

You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen
his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and
then calmly replied.

"When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough
think he improve system like that."

[Ro3b]

The Human Cannonball comes storming into the circus manager's tent, slams his fist down on the manager's desk, and says, "I've had it with this show! I quit!"

The manager says, "But you CAN'T quit!"

The Human Cannonball says, "Oh, yeah? Why the hell not?"

The manager says, "I'll never find another man of your caliber!"

[bigoldron]

Where Did The White Man Go Wrong?

Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government
official,
"You have observed the white man for 90 years.

You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen
his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and
then calmly replied.

"When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough
think he improve system like that."

Two Eagles has heap big good point there! :D

[sumitomo]

Turkey
A Game Warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carring a wild turkey under his arm.He stopped and asked the boy,'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied,'What turkey?'
The Game Warden said,'That turkey you're carring under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said,'Well lookee here,a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The Game Warden said,Now look,you know turkey season is closed,so whatever you do to that turkey,I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg,I'm gonna break your leg.If you break his wing I,m gonna break your arm.Now what are you gonna do to him?
The little boy looked at the Game Warden and said,'Well I,m just gunna kiss his a$$ and let him go.
Sumi:D

[Guitar Gal]

I thought of a couple:


What do you call a brunette between two blondes?

An interpreter. :D


How did Helen Kellar break her arm?

Trying to read a stop sign at 60 mph! :poke:



GG

[sumitomo]

How do you make GOD laugh? Tell him your busy planning your future. Sumi:D

[oldguy]

How about one for the blonde guys??

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[warren0728]

ok....keeping with the blind theme....

what do you call a tennis match between hellen keller and stevie wonder....



















endless love....

[sumitomo]

What's this world comming to?

I was so depressed the other night thinking about the election results I called 1-800-Lifeline.Got a darned call center in Pakistan.I told them I was suicidal.They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.Sumi:D

[sunvalleylaw]

Ok, I can never remember jokes but my Dad's favorite pun is very corny.

My brother and me: "Dad, we are going to go play at the Wells' "

My Dad: "Ok, don't fall in."











Ba Dum Dum . . .

[pes_laul]

Ok, I can never remember jokes but my Dad's favorite pun is very corny.

My brother and me: "Dad, we are going to go play at the Wells' "

My Dad: "Ok, don't fall in."











Ba Dum Dum . . .

psh!!! sorry ya forgot the cymbal:whatever:

[sunvalleylaw]

Thanks for catching that Kris! LOL!

[Spudman]

THE MODERATOR ELEVATOR....

An Moderator boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls
that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life.
I don't know what it is'.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large
old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began
to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your mother.'

[sumitomo]

Wife:'What are you doing?'

Husband:'Nothing'

Wife:'Nothing......? You've been reading our marriage certificate for over an hour!!'

Husband:' I was looking for the expiration date.'

Sumi:D

[bigoldron]

Here's one of the funniest things I've heard concerning marriage:

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/olKE4JfeKnw&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/olKE4JfeKnw&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

All too true! :rotflmao:

[bigoldron]

One more marriage joke:

A man and woman had just come back from their honeymoon and were getting ready for bed. The man took his trousers off and tossed them on the bed. "See if you can wear those," he told his new wife. "You know I can't wear those," she replied. "That's right," said the man, "and remember who wears the pants in this house."

"OK," said the woman. She then took her panties off and tossed them on the bed next to the trousers. "See if you can get in those," she said. "You know I can't" said the man. "That's right," replied the woman, "and until your attitude changes, you won't!"

[thearabianmage]

Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant's finger. . .

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
12 - 1 to change it and 11 to say how much better they could have done it.

What happened to the crack-dealing demon?
He got done for possession. . .

A blonde and a brunette are at a bar and the 6 o'clock news comes on. A guy is threatening to jump off a bridge and kill himself. The blonde turns to the brunette and says 'betcha $10 he doesn't jump'. Having seen the news earlier on and knowing the man does jump, the brunette accepts the bet. Once the man jumps, the blonde starts handing over the $10 and the brunette says 'I can't accept this - I saw the 5 o'clock news and I knew he would jump.' 'So did I,' replies the blonde 'but I just didn't think he'd jump again.'

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and asks for two drinks. '$5.69' the bartender says, and the man swiftly put his hand in his pocket and pulled out the correct change. The next day, the same man comes in with the same ostrich and orders two different drinks. '$7.54' the bartender says, and again the man puts his hand in his pocket and swiftly produces the exact change. The third day the man comes in with the ostrich and orders two different drinks, with the same results. 'Can I ask you a question?' the bartender asks, 'How do you know exactly how much the drinks will be and what's up with the bird?' 'Well, I ran into a genie and he gave me two wishes. My first was to have the correct change for anything I owed in my pocket. Then I asked for a chick with long legs.'

[stingx]

I posted a funny to contribute and the censorship police jumped on me. I suppose I am a dinosaur living in an overly PC world. I should have known better than to have posted in the first place. :thwap:

[sumitomo]

A woman was traveling in the Arizona desert when her car broke down.There was nothing around,until a Indian came along riding a horse.The woman told him that her car was broke and he told her to get on the horse and he would give her a ride to the nearest town.Every so often this Indian would let out a loud 'Ye-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a'.When they finally made it the the town he stopped at the local service station and as she was getting ready to get off the horse the Indian let out another 'Ye-e-e-e-ha-a-a-a-a'.The station worker asked her what she did to get the Indian so exctied.Nothing she said I just climbed on the back of the horse put my arms around him and grabbed on the saddle horn so I would'nt fall off.The station worked then told her that Indians dont use a saddle.Sumi:D

[sunvalleylaw]

Mama Claus was in bed looking fetchingly at Mr. Claus as he looked out the window on a dark and stormy night. She called to him, "What are you doing?" He replied: "Watching the Rein - deer".

[bigoldron]

This 6 year old kid loved everything about being a fireman when he grew up. He had fire trucks and toy helmets and all he talked about was being a fireman. One day, he decided to make himself a real fire truck. So he took his little red wagon, his dog and cat, a ladder and some rope and got busy.

Later that day, he drove it by the fire station to show it off. The real fireman was washing the real fire truck out in front of the station, when the kid pulled up with his homemade one. "That's a mighty fire truck you got there, son." said the fireman.

"Thanks mister fireman." said the boy.

"I like your little ladder and how you've got the dog and cat pulling the wagon so you can go fast." the man said. "Thanks again mister." replied the kid.

"Can I make just one suggestion?" asked the fireman. "If you take the rope OFF the cat's privates and tied it to his collar, then he could help pull the wagon better." offer the man.

"But, if I do that," answered the boy, "then I won't have a siren any more." :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[sumitomo]

Last night my wife and I were in the living room talking,I told her if I get really ill "I never want to live in a vegetative state dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle" then she got up unplugged my computer and poured out my beer!Shes such a b itch.Sumi:D

[sumitomo]

In D.C.,a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

Talking Dog for sale

He rings the belland the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes in the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
Dam straight.The dog replies.
So what's your story dog?
The dog looks up and says,"Well,I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government,so I told the CIA about my gift,and in no time they had me jetting from country to country,sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,because ne one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.The jetting around really tired me out,and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.So I signed up for a job at the airport at do some undercover work,mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife,a mess of puppies,and now I'm just retired.

The guy is amazed.He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says,"Ten dollars."

THe guy says,This dog is amazing.Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?

"Cause he's a liar He didn't do any of that sheit."

Sumi:D

[sumitomo]

A young highschool jock goes to a whorehouse,the madam asks him"How can I help you son" He replys "I'd like some sex mamm"She asked "Do you have any experience"To which he replied"Na I don't have any experience.So the madam told him look I have high class girls here,so you go out into the woods find a knot hole in a tree and practice on it,then come back.So a week goes by a the young jock goes back to the whore house and asks again Mamm I'd like some sex please,She asks him"Did you do what I told you to do and get some experience."To which he replied "Yep I've got experience"So she told him to go down the hall last door on the right,Her name is Sally.Well he wasn't down there more than a minute and a screamming girl was heard,so she ran down there to see this young jock going at this girl with a broom handle.She yells at him what are you doing?He replies"Look I'm not a stupid as I look I'm checking for bees first.
Sumi:D

[Spudman]

I was reading in the National Enquirer today that Dolly Parton apparently owns the most expensive shoes ever made. Have you seen them?














Neither has she.

[baddog144]

A guy walks into a bar and says ouch.:thwap:

[sumitomo]

A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet that they are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said,"Shore is, little lady.Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you.?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself,so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing,he said,"Well thankee, ma'am Ah'm real flattered.Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

Dont be flattered.She said,Thake the money and buy yourself some boots that fit!

Sumi:D

[peachhead]

This is a great thread. Keep 'em comin', I need the laughs! :D :AOK:

[sumitomo]

"Whatever you give a woman,she will make greater.If you give her sperm,she'll give you a baby.If you give her a house she,ll give you a home.If you give her groceries,she'll give you a meal.If you give her a smile,she'll give you her heart.......She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.So,if you give her any crap,be ready to receive a ton of she it!!!

Sumi:D

[Spudman]

Two drummers walk into a bar...which is kind of strange because you'd think the second one would have seen it.

[sumitomo]

A husband asks his wife "When I get mad at you,you never fight back.How do you control your anger?"


"I clean the toilet bowl."


"How does that help?"


"I use your toothbrush"



Sumi:D

[sumitomo]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road,and she got out to see if it was still alive.It was,and she said to her husband,"It's nearly frozen to death.Can we take it with us,get it warm,and let it go in the morning?"


He says,"OK,get in the car with it."

The wife says,"Where shall I put it to get warm?"

He says,"Put it between your legs.It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?" said the wife.

He answered"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover,but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.



Sumi:D

[sumitomo]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!Notice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There will be no Nativity Scene in the United States Congress this year!!!!!!!!


The Supreme Court has ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.

This isn't fror any religious reason;the simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There however was no problem,finding enough a$$e$ to fill the stable!

[sumitomo]

What's red and smells like blue paint?






Red paint



Sumi:D

[BluesHowler]

Two anthropologic researchers discovered a tribe in deepest darkest Africa that had never seen any civilized humans. The tribe welcomed them into their midst and were very friendly.

The researchers noticed that there was constant drumming at all hours of the day and night. The drumming bothered them and they asked why the drumming never stopped. The natives all answered the same, “Drumming good, drums stop very bad!”

After several weeks late at night the drums stopped and the natives all started screaming and running around. The researchers asked every native they could find what happened. The natives all answered “Drums stop very bad!” and ran off.

Finally the researchers stopped the tribal chief and question him on why if the drums stop it is very bad. The chief answered, “When drums stop bass solo begins! Very bad!”

One night at Club Chintz, the mindreader closes her set by reading the mind of the each of the musicians in the band.

First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist:
"Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! I bet they're all here to see me. Good crowd!"

Then the drummer:
"Look at that crowd! With this many people in the house, we're going to make good money tonight!"

Then the Keyboard player:
"Yeesh, look at that crowd. None of them will ever truly appreciate all of my talent. What a bunch of losers."

Finally, the Bass player:
"E E E E E E E E A A A A A A A A E E E E E E E E..."

I also play bass so I think these are funny.

[oldguy]

How did the shipwrecked man survive alone on a desert island for months with nothing but a mattress and a calendar that washed ashore????????

He ate dates and drank from the springs..............:thwap:

[Brian Krashpad]

Coach Bob Stoops, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God showed him around. They came to a nice little house with a small Sooners flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity, Bob" said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets such a cozy house up here." Bob felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house towering above the others just down the street.

It was a multi-story mansion with an orange and blue sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Gator flag, and in every window, he could see Gator fans.

Bob looked at God and said "God, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I have a question.

"God asked "So what do you want to know, Bob?"

"Well, why does Urban Meyer get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Bob, that's not Urban's house, it's mine."

[Rocket]

Krash... I guess your story would make more sense if only I recognized some name in it other than "God"!

[bigoldron]

God chuckled, and said "Bob, that's not Urban's house, it's mine."


So saith the Lord! :AOK:

[oldguy]

Krash... I guess your story would make more sense if only I recognized some name in it other than "God"!

Rocket......
I think it's something to do with foosball........Mama don't allow.....mama don't allow.....mama don't allow......mama don't allow......mama don't allow

[Robert]

What did the embarrassed traffic light say?

Don't look - I'm changing!

[peachhead]

Krash, I'm not a big Gator fan, but...that's funny! :AOK:

[sumitomo]

How to clean a toilet.

1.Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo into the water.
2.Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3.In one smooth movement,put the cat in the toilet and close the lid fast,You may need to stand on the lid.
4.The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.Never mind the noises that come from the toilet,the cat is actually enjoying this.
5.Flush the toilet three or four times.this provides a 'power-wash' and rinse.
6.Here's the tricky part,have someone open the front door of your house,MAKE SURE THE PATH IS CLEAR FROM THE BATHROOM TO THE FRONT DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7.Stand behind the toilet and QUICKLY lift the lid.
8.The cat will rocket out of the toilet,through the house to the outside where he will dry off.
9.Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.






Sincerely,
The Dog!!!

[sumitomo]

I couldn't leave without leaving you'all with a couple of jokes.

Deja Moo:The feeling yhat you've heard this bull before.

I went to a seafood disco last week.....and pulled a mussel.



See ya when I come back.Sumi:D

[bigoldron]

I couldn't leave without leaving you'all with a couple of jokes.

Deja Moo:The feeling yhat you've heard this bull before.

I went to a seafood disco last week.....and pulled a mussel.



See ya when I come back.Sumi:D

Where ya going Bro? :confused:

[thearabianmage]

Dunno, but I can't wait to hear what jokes he's picked up on his travels!!!

[Robert]

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!

Where do rabbits learn to fly ?
In the Hare Force !

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[thearabianmage]

A blonde was hooked up to a lie detector and was asked a few preliminary questions to get comparative readings. . .

'What's your name?' - 'Sue' - the machine blinked green.

'Where do you live?' - 'New York' - the machine blinked green.

'What do you think of my tie?' - 'I think. . .' - the machine blew up.

[sumitomo]

The redneck word of the day is OBAMA!

I bought me a case of beer and drank it OBAMA self.:rotflmao:D Sumi:D

[thekiwidisciple]

I hope this doesn't get me banned..


...so a baby seal walks into a club.

[Robert]

You are now banned, kiwi. For good. :) Just kidding.

So, a couple of dyslexis walk in to a bra... :)

- How do you stop bacon from curling in the frying pan?
- You take away their brooms! :) (Canadian flavoured joke...)

[thekiwidisciple]

LMAO at the first one Robert, but am I supposed to get that second one? :(

[marnold]

LMAO at the first one Robert, but am I supposed to get that second one? :(
This will probably help, Kiwi. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Curling#Broom_.28brush.29)

[Suhnton]

1: So a crocodile walks into a bar wearing a polo t-shirt with a prat embroidered on the chest...

2: Remember: If a man walks out of the toilet with his zipper down, you didn't see nuthin'

[thekiwidisciple]

LOL thanks marnold.

[Kazz]

Curling.....I have had lots of fun watching that in the Winter Olympics.

A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and stops
them. They show him their papers, but he thinks they are phony.

He tells them, "Okay, I have a test for you. I want you to use the
words liver and cheese in a sentence."

So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for
lunch."

The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?" he asks the second guy.

He says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

[thekiwidisciple]

LOL! That one is baaaad...

[bigG]

I used to be a magician. I could walk down the street and turn into a bar.

What would you have if all the cars in the USA were pink? A pink car nation.

What if all the crowbars in the world disappeared? The crows would have to drink in our bars.

A man walks into a bar w a duck on his head. The bartender exclaims "what's goin' on here"? The duck says "get this guy off my ***!"

What do you call a girl w one leg shorter than the other? Ilene

What do you call two gay Bobs? Oral Roberts (uh-oh!)

A blonde and a brunette chick are talking. The blonde says "my boyfriend has terrible dandruff! How can I help him get rid of it?" The brunette says "give him Head & Shoulders". The blonde says "I already give him head, how do I give shoulders?" (a bigger uh-oh...did I overstep the boundaries?)

[bigG]

Frank and Doris Hill are out driving on a lonely road one dark and stormy night. They have a terrible crash and are killed. An evil scientist and his assistant Igor happen upon the accident scene and drag the dead bodies to their laboratory. They try every evil Frankenstein-like way to bring the Hills back to life, but to no avail. The evil scientist storms out of the laboratory muttering to himself. Igor stays to clean things up and turns on the radio to his favorite jazz station. At once, the dead bodies come to life and sit straight up, looking around in bewilderment. Igor yells out to the evil scientist "the Hills are alive with the sound of music!!!!"

[mcgreggor57]

What do you call a dog with no legs?







It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

[Spudman]

Ever seen Helen Keller's house?









Neither has she.

[Suhnton]

From the "bubblegum wrapper files"

Why do grizzlies feel cold in winter?
Because they always walk around in bear feet.

What's the difference between a butcher and an insomniac?
One weighs a steak and the other stays awake.

[Spudman]

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.'
'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.'
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb ***, get in.'

[ragnarpk]

...so a baby seal walks into a club.

YES! :D i was gonna say that one, but i see someone else knows his stuff :D

[sumitomo]

I had money that I needed to exchange,so I went to the currency exchange window at the bank.Just one lady in front of me....an Asain lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.....She asked the teller,'Why it change??Yesterday,I get two hunat dolla fo yen,Today I get hunat eighty??Why it change???? The teller shrugged his shoulders and said 'Fluctuations' The Asian lady replied 'Well Fluc you too!!!!' Sumi:D

Did you ener notice the Roman numeral for 40 is XL ???

[ibanezjunkie]

ive read every single joke in this thread :D

ive been here for over an hour.

[oldguy]

Better than wasting it playing video games!

[sumitomo]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed; 'Lissin a me.I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me.'
The grandson smiles weakly and replies;'But grandpa,I really dona a lika guns,How zabout you leava me you Rolex watch instead?
Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in his voice;"Shuddup an lissin.Somma day you gonna runna da business.you gonna have a beautifula wife,lotsa money,a biga home and maybe some bambinos.'
<BR>After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues;"somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anotha man.
Whadda you gonna do then.............Pointa to you watch anda say "Times a up'? Sumi:D

[Spudman]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a
tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the
bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

[oldguy]

(this one just begs for cheese.........)

Potatoes...
Well, A Girl Potato and A Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland . And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west in the USA , they told her to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University) so when she graduated she'd really be in the chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!!!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just... well he's just a...

A COMMONTATER !!!

[MichaelE]

After landing:

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

Student pilot:

Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center now on 133.75"

[jpfeifer]

I haven't read through all of the jokes yet, so I hope these aren't already used...

Two pretzels are walking down the street and one of them is asaulted.

Two atoms are walking down the street when they collide with each other. One says to the other, "Hey, are you o.k?", the other one says "Yeah, but I think that I lost an electron", the other says "are you sure?", ... and the other one says "I'm positive".

Blonde Enters a Swim Meet
A blonde enters a swim meet against several other ladies, in the breast stroke competition. The blonde finishes dead last and comes in 30 minutes later than the next-to-last contestant. Upon finishing the race the blonde files an immediate protest with the race officials. When they asked her why she said, "It wasn't a fair race because the other ladies used their arms."

-- Jim

[sumitomo]

Im just passing this along......................

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in the butt crack of some stripper?

If not,your wondering now. Sumi:D

[deeaa]

Man, all the stupid jokes in English that come to mind right now are such that they are sure to piss off anyone sensitive about religion, racism or what not, so better not even put 'em here.

I'd have a ton of great, stupid jokes in Finnish, though.

[Heywood Jablomie]

Two lawyers are walking down the street when they see a shapely young woman in a miniskirt. One lawyer says, "I'd sure like to screw her". The other one says, "Out of what?".

And my favorite salesman joke....

Fred recently died and went to Heaven.
When Fred got to the pearly gates ... St. Peter showed him the attractions:
Relaxing on clouds, reading books, eating great meals and listening to harp music ...
Fred was impressed with St. Peter’s offer however he hadn’t completely made up is mind yet. There was another option to consider ... Hell ...
Now that Fred had a lot more time on his hands (he was dead after all ...) he decided to go down to Hell to see what they had to offer.
Satan met him at the front gate and showed him around. Fred saw lots of wild parties, pretty young woman and an unlimited supply of beer.
After being given a day to consider his options, Fred deciding on Hell ... “Hell it is!” ... he said
Satan met Fred at the front gate again however when he got inside this time he saw something very different from what he had seen before.
Now there were people being tortured, burned and living in cages.
"Satan," he asked, "Where are all the great parties and the fun stuff you showed me yesterday?"
Satan replied, "That was all a show for prospective clients. You're a client now!"

[sumitomo]

So a 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman get married and their are the talk of the town.One year later their at the hospital having their first child,the nurse comes out of the delivery room to congratulate the new father,She said how do you do it at your age,He replied gotta keep the motor going.
One year later the same thing going to the hospital to have their second child,Nurse how do you do it at your age,He replies again gotta keep the motor going.
Now a year later at the hospital for the third child,Nurse comes out how do you do it at your age,He says I told ya gotta keep the motor running,Nurse says well you better get the oil changed cause this one's black! Sumi:D

[bigoldron]

OK, here's my favorite 3rd grader joke:

How do you catch a polar bear? You cut a hole in the ice and put some peas around it. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole! :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[pie_man_25]

what do bassists use for contraception? Their Personalities!!!
what do drummers use for contraception? nobody knows,they haven't needed it yet!!!
what do guitarists use for contraception? not their egos, their WAY too big!!!
just a couple we (the punchlines) use on stage
are dead baby jokes allright?

I made the second line to this joke:

so a baby seal walks into a club....
and has a smashing good time

[sumitomo]

So a guy walks into a store and asks the clerk,"Where is the Polish sauage at"The clerk replies,"Why are you Polish?"Well this kinda pissed off this guy and He replied,"Yea does it matter,If I asked for italian sauage would you ask me if I was Italian,or if I asked where the brats are if I was German,or if I asked where the tacos are if I was Mexican?The clerk replied well no,but I just wanted to let you know that this is the Home Depot.Sumi:D