Parents-In-Law a Love&Hate Thing...

[Jimi75]

Hi folks,

Sometimes I wonder why it can be so difficult with PIL (parents in law). Lucky are those that have a good relationship with them. My PIL are pretty complicated I must admit. I get along very well with my FIL but my MIL just hates me. No matter what I do, it is generally wrong and no good. I once had a nice talk with her :beer: and she was a little more open minded, but unfortunately the next time I had a different opinion than she had the situation was like in the beginning again. I do not discuss with her, I let her speak, I am friendly but not very much interrested in her stuff, which could be because she does't give a darn about my stuff either. It is pretty sad, but I feel that their expectations are too high. A SIL is not like child of ones own. I am through with anything like "we have to sit down and talk", I think it's time for "okay we accept you like you are as you accept us for who we are". But that's life, he? Are there any fretters here who have made the same experience? How did you solve the situation?

Greetz
Jimi "Da BAD SON"75

[Kazz]

I guess I am one of the lucky ones....my first wife....I still love her parents to death...especially her dad who was my hunting and drinking buddy. Of course they are still in Oregon and I am back home in Indiana for the time being. My new wife....I get along with her dad and mom pretty well...I even get along great with her ex PILs who come up from time to time to spend time with the oldest daughter who is their grand daughter.


My boys' mother who was neither my first wife or 2nd LOL....her parents and I never got along. They were never willing to give me a chance so I wrote them off. Jimi...it could be worse....her dad could try to run you off the road with a Winnebago :-)

Her brother also was the drunk driver who hit me head on and darn near killed me.

[street music]

Both of my in laws are now passed on but I never had a ill word with either and my mother in law always said that I treated her like gold. I have seen the type you are dealing with Jimi and to be honest my own mother treats one her daughter in laws like that, it doesn't change.

[Bloozcat]

When my wife and I married, both our mothers were already deceased, so we only had the fathers to deal with. And both of our fathers are deceased now as well.

Both my wife and I are very independent and as such are not willing to tollerate any interference from family in how we run our household. We are very easy to get along with just so long as others don't insist on sticking their noses in where they don't belong. My wife says that we are the black sheep in our respective families, but I prefer to think of us as the white sheep in families full of black sheep. Given that my wife and I have the best marriage by far of any of our respective siblings, I'd say that we're doing just fine without their help (read, interference).

Fortunately for us, my father-in-law had a very weak personality. He was never what anyone would call a man of principle and courage. He was more a path of least resistance kind of guy. The positive of this was that he was very easy going. And, he certainly knew his daughter well enough to know that he never wanted to challenge her. By the same token, he also knew which of his five children to call in an emergency. He ended up living with us the last 4-1/2 years of his life after a stroke and the resulting congestive heart failure left him partially disabled. My wife and I knew how irresponsible our siblings would be in a situation like this should it arise, so we had agreed before we were married that we would take care of our fathers as needed. To us it was a responsibility, not a decision. My father-in-law had never been very good at expressing emotion to those he loved, but through others we learned of his grattitude for the love and caring we showed him in his last years. Despite the difficulties of caring for a disabled parent, I wouldn't have traded the experience for anything. We are the better for having done it...we both learned a lot.

My father on the other hand, was quite a different story. But, he too found out in short order that I (we) would not tollerate any interference from him in our marriage. I made a special point of letting him know that I would not tollerate for an instant any disrespect from him towards my wife. My father was one of those people who could have had Mother Teresa wanting to kill him after only ten minutes with him. But he was another story altogether...

[piebaldpython]

Well.......lolol......I had an instructor once who used to say (he was kidding and serious as hell at the same time); that the only GOOD in-law is a DEAD one. :rotflmao:

There have been more than a few occasions that we have felt that way too. OMG, the stories that I could tell y'all. :D

[sunvalleylaw]

I think it is about boundaries, and respect, and understanding each other as humans. Let me try to explain what I mean. I also think in-laws, who have a natural protective tendency toward their own children, struggle with the above. I guess the answer in my mind is a respectful conversation or conversations discussing boundaries, but done after reflecting on where the in-law is coming from. In other words, reaching out to them after trying to see it from their point of view, and discussing mutual, adult respect. In-laws have that natural protective instinct (which is also a need I suppose) built in, plus whatever baggage they carry. I believe all of us have to deal with our own baggage, and our parents are not exceptions. Taking time to get to know the in-law (or any other person) and walk for a minute in their shoes is what it takes I think.

I have a good relationship with my mother-in-law who lives next door to us. My wife struggles in her relationship with her mother, but it is getting better as her mom is now struggling with some early dementia, and my wife is much more compassionate and understanding as a result. Before then, she would wait for her mom to come to her to talk about things. That never worked. I would encourage my wife to "cross the driveway" because someone had to, and it was obvious that her mom was not going to learn to do that in her '80's. I think relationships are about getting beyond barriers, and that takes reaching out, even when it hurts. If the person will not respond, or respect known boundaries, then I guess one just has to accept them as they are, and figure out what the boundaries are as a result. That is a bit the way it is with my wife's father, who is divorced from her mother and lives out of state.


A lot of personal info there, but we are dealing with these issues now with our parents as they age, and I think about it a lot.

[Jimi75]

I appreciate your comments very much. Thanks for sharing your experiences and views. SVL, these were some peaceful words, inspiring!

[marnold]

One reason I didn't marry a girl I dated for a long time was because her mom was great but her dad was a sociopath. I couldn't imagine leaving my future children with their grandfather. So that was out--for other reasons as well. I was very conscious of the old saying that when you marry a woman you marry her family as well. As a pastor I have had to tell parents to back off a bit when they still wanted to treat their fully-grown and responsible children as dependents.

Generally speaking I get along with my inlaws great. Both of them have a tremendous respect for the ministry which also is advantageous. My wife and her mother have minor issues mainly because their personalities are too similar. Thankfully, my wife and my parents get along extremely well.

[just strum]

Mine are buried in the basement floor.

[peachhead]

Mine are buried in the basement floor.

:rotflmao:

I live 1.5 miles from my mother and my grandmother, and sometimes it drives my wife crazy. She is not used to being that close to family (she lived for the last 15 years 750 miles away from her parents and sister, and they didn't see each other that much) and woohoo buddy, it can get pretty rough. I get an earful on occasion. But then again, I gripe about them too, but I guess I'm just used to it.
I'll very rarely see my inlaws. Saw them last year, probably not again for another several years, so it works out ok for me, I guess. Although we got along ok for the 2 weeks I've spent with them so far....

[SuperSwede]

We live about 100 meters from the PIL... its not too bad, especially not after I digged out a trench and fortified it with halogen lights and a machine gun.

[Tone2TheBone]

My wife's mother died long time ago but I've always gotten along with my father in law. He's like a dad to me really. I'm lucky....really lucky. I wish you better luck Jimi I KNOW what it's like to have to deal with the other side's parents from previous relationships. I had one girlfriend who's dad was the kindest man in the world but her mother and older sisters were witches. I dumped them all and literally walked out of their lives. That was the smartest thing I ever did.

[sunvalleylaw]

... its not too bad, especially not after I digged out a trench and fortified it with halogen lights and a machine gun.

Watchya growin' with those lights there Swede? ;)

[SuperSwede]

Watchya growin' with those lights there Swede? ;)

Peace love and understanding, what else?

:D

[just strum]

Peace love and understanding, what else?

:D

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