Well, I don't even know why I am writing this.. But anyways I am.. All my family is
still in the Chicago area and I been living down south for the last twenty years or so.
I have One brother and two sisters which I keep in contact with mainly on the internet and phone.
Im the baby actually.. Sister, Brother then baby sister (actually 18months older)and I.
Out of the four of us, My older brother would be the last one you would think to pass on.
Mom (83)is still around and lives with my oldest sister.. Other sister lives alone with a son.
My brother... well, His wife is in a care home who has had everything in the world gone
wrong with her the last 20 years or so.. very frail.. you would think she would have died
twenty years ago.. she hangs in there.. His big thing in life believe it or not is taking her cigs
and wishing he or they could get on with life, never realizing thats all there is to their life.
He also has a legal blind daughter which means she sees shadows but thats about it..
Brother went to namm.. has had more jobs then the want-ads in a sunday suntimes can hold and has
the legal papers now to prove he is nuts over that war, has lived the last five years or so off that.
He went in as a young man fit and slim and was a gunner on a helicopter.. He was a few years older
then me and I was proud of him.. When he came out at first he seemed pretty cool and stable to
me, because I didn't understand. I think it has to do with not getting what you expect in life
and seeing life wasted so easily. Another guy took his last flight as gunner and the
chopper went down killing all on board.. he never understood why the guy took his place..
well, His first wife was a mess and he became more of a mess over her.. had two boys
and a daughter by her and later had custody of the girl and she kept the boys.. He had a few
live-ins and another failed marriage and then met the lady in the care home.. they been
together twenty some years.. One son and the daughter above is from this lady.. His Son is
in the service by choice and enjoys it and the youngest daughter has just turned eighteen years
old and been going through school pretty good.. Brother got active last few years with the vets
with Post Stress Disorders.. actually he thinks there are more comming out of the Desert Storm,
Afgan-Iraq wars with it then back in Korea and Namm.. He also drank more then one should which it
seems actually ended up killing him.. verdict still out on that but probably so.. and talked
always about viet namm... that was his total 56 year life in this little post as I knew it... Rest in peace brother
If you drink alot.. and one week you want to keep drinking water and always tired.. see a doctor..
your liver is failing you.. the rest of your body will follow shortly.

He passed on at 56 years old july 16th and for the first time in my life I am totally lost or found on the
reason for life , reproduce and enjoy the moment, as thats all you will ever have no matter how
long you live..the present moment.
This comming weekend I will travel to Chicago and bear witness to his sons scattering his ashes
in the same location my brother and I scattered our fathers six years ago. I was lucky enough to see
him last year for a few days and we talked on the phone pretty often.. mostly him calling me..
I do wish I picked up the phone the weekend before last to call him.. might have gotten his stubborn
butt up to get to the doctor but doubt it.. Why did I post this here?
Well, he was my main critic with guitar.. I suck at it and he let me know it..lol. He did hold back a bit
and it was out of his nature to do so.. I would send him clips through email and tell him "here suffer
listening to this" in return he would send me "Don't give up the day job but please give up the guitar"
with laughter attached.. The last emailed we shared was exactly like that.. he would tell me sometimes
it was good I moved away.. it was good life's turns brought me back to something I enjoy even if I do
suck at it..lol. This last week I just sat here thinking about him and life.. Robert Renman came out with a
backing track called Falling-Down which fell into place for me and helped me through this time with
having something to do. Music really does soothe.. even when you suck at it... thanks for letting me
ramble for a moment..now back to life.