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Funny Jokes, anyone?
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Thread: Funny Jokes, anyone?

  1. #1
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    Default Funny Jokes, anyone?

    Have you heard the joke about the two dyslexics who walked into a bra...
    The Law of Gravity is nonsense. No such law exists. If I think I float, and you think I float, then it happens.
    Master Guitar Academy - I also teach via SKYPE.

  2. #2
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    I'm not sure I have, but I have heard about ants walking 2 abreast.

    "No Tele For you." - The Tele Nazi

    Ha! Tele-ish now inbound.

  3. #3
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    Default Small White Dot

    An elementary school teacher gave her class an assigment, to go home and think about something that is interesting to them and be prepared to tell the class about it the next day.

    When it was little Bobby's turn to speak, he went to the blackboard and drew a small white dot with chalk and then sat back down.

    The teacher ask Bobby if that was a period.

    Bobby replied yes.

    She then ask Bobby what was interesting about it.

    Darned if I know, but my sister is missing hers which made mom faint, dad have a heart attack, and the boy next door join the Navy.

  4. #4
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    I hadn't heard that one before Sir Strumsalot.
    I pick a moon dog.

  5. #5
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    Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insominac? He would lie awake at night, wondering if there really is a Dog.

    A couple quickies from Monty Python:
    There's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong!

    It's like I've always said, "There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he really doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not."

    And finally . . .
    I'm tired of all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off!
    Axen: Jackson DK2M, Fender Deluxe Nashville Telecaster, Reverend Warhawk 390, Taylor 914ce, ESP LTD Surveyor-414
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    "I wish Imagine Dragons would be stuck in an Arcade Fire for an entire Vampire Weekend."--Brian Posehn

  6. #6
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    Q:how many blues musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A:none, they can't afford the lights

    Q:how many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light blb?

    Q:wanna go ride bikes?


    guy's walking to a bar, when all of a sudden a mobnkey starts following him, he gets in the bar and the monkey starts going crazy, and eventually eats one of the balls from the pool table, and the man, with the monkey, is forced to leave. A week later the man comes back, with the monkey, and he returns the ball from the pool table and apologises for what the monkey did, and he is alowed to stay, when the two watch the monkey take a peanut, put it up his rear, then take it out and eat it, then the bartender says "dude, that is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen!" and the man replies "yeah, ever since that pool-table ball, he's measured before eating ever since!"


    edit: I have some more but they're kinda political and can be considered offensive.
    "the emperor is rich, but he cannot buy another year"
    -anonymous chinese person

    "the thief is sorry for being hung, not for being a thief"
    -anonymous

    "We are not nationalities, we are not races, we are not political parties, we are not social classes, we are not cultures, we are not subcultures, and we are not churches, but when all things are said and done, the guns are shot, the riots have died down, one thing is true, and that should preceed all other things, we are, without division: HUMAN BEINGS, is that not good enough an excuse stop shooting people, and letting others starve to death?" -Pie_man_25

  7. #7
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    Default

    Those remind me of a couple more:

    Q: Which is worse, apathy or ignorance?

    A: Hey, I don't know and I don't care!

    ~~~~~~~~~

    A pirate walks into a bar with a car steering wheel sticking out the top of his britches. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, isn't that thing kind of uncomfortable?" The pirate says, "Arrrrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"
    DVM's Ever-Expanding Gear List:

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  8. #8
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    What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?


    Homeless.


    How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?


    None. We have machines for that now.

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  9. #9
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    Seeing Katastrophe's post reminded me of a joke.

    Do you know what the definition of "catastrophe" is? It's the award for the kitten with the nicest buns.
    Axen: Jackson DK2M, Fender Deluxe Nashville Telecaster, Reverend Warhawk 390, Taylor 914ce, ESP LTD Surveyor-414
    Amphen: Jet City JCA22H and JCA12S cab, Carvin X-60 combo, Acoustic B20
    Effecten: "Thesis 96" Overdrive/Boost (aka DVM OD2), Hardwire DL-8 Digital Delay/Looper, DigiTech Polara Reverb, DigiTech EX-7 Expression Factory and CF-7 Chorus Factory, Danelectro CF-1 Cool Cat Fuzz
    "I wish Imagine Dragons would be stuck in an Arcade Fire for an entire Vampire Weekend."--Brian Posehn

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by marnold
    Do you know what the definition of "catastrophe" is? It's the award for the kitten with the nicest buns.
    This from a man of the cloth?!? I'm shocked....shocked, I tell you!!

    Got any more?
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    Pedals/Effects - ZILLIONS, including DVM's Home-built Pedals - See some HERE and HERE, TOO!

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    Visit MY WEBSITE!



  11. #11
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    marnold if you lived closer to me i might start going to church!!

    what can a large pizza do that a musician can't?

    feed a family of 4!

    ww
    Quote Originally Posted by just strum
    For the record, my annoyance with Warren has a lot to do with the hissing noises he makes.
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  12. #12
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    Need a Screen cleaner?

    presshere


    Jimmie Vaughan Strat , Squire 51
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  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Justaguyin_nc
    Need a Screen cleaner?

    presshere

    Now, that's just funny, I don't care who you are!
    Guitars:
    Fender 2006 MIM Fender Stratocaster HSS in 3TS
    Ibanez RG 570 with a bridge Invader
    ESP M II Deluxe with a Tune-o-Matic bridge
    Eleanor, the magical, mystical Road Worn wonder Tele
    Blackstar HT Club 40

  14. #14
    pes_laul Guest

    Default

    OK at the beginning of summer when Ms. Dible got a new second grade class she always told her kids to speak in big people words. so when she asked little Sarah what she did for summer she replied "I took a ride on a choo choo" "No! we use big people words you rode on a train." she replied. Then she asked little tommy what He did He replied "I got a new bunny wabbit" "No you got a new rabbit, Remember big people words!" So she then asked little Billy what he did. He replied "I read a book" "Really? What book did you read" she replied. Billy thought about it real hard then puffed out his chest and said....."I read winnie the Sh^t"

  15. #15
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    Default

    A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new BMW convertible out
    of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
    enjoying the wind blowing through his sparse hair.

    Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even
    more.

    But, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the State Trooper behind him,
    blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then
    110, then 120.

    Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and
    pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

    Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the BMW, looked at his
    watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If
    you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
    let you go.

    The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off
    with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'


    Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

  16. #16
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    Here's a funny avatar...

    Guitars: '05 MIA Fender Strat HSS, '04 MIA Fender Strat SSS, '03 Burns Steer, '83 Hondo LP copy (project)

    Amps: Fender Blues Jr., Line 6 Spider II 112

    Pedals: Boss BD-2, Boss CS-3, Boss DS-1, Ibanez TS9DX, Ibanez AW7, Ibanez FZ7, DigiTech Bad Monkey, BYOC Lazy Sprocket (in progress - almost there), Danelectro Cool Cat Chorus.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by ted s
    The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off
    with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'


    Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.
    oh my god i almost spit my drink all over my laptop...thank you....thank you...


    ww
    Quote Originally Posted by just strum
    For the record, my annoyance with Warren has a lot to do with the hissing noises he makes.
    Guitars: Gibson 1998 Les Paul Special : Peavey Predator (Early 90's Fat Strat Copy) : Ibanez GAX30TR
    Brownsville Reso - 101 Electric Reso : Fender GDO-300 Maple Quilt Top Acoustic

    Amps: Fender Super Champ XD

    Effects: Digitech RP250 Modeling Guitar Processor : DVM "Phased and Confused" Script Phaser Clone : Digitech Bad Monkey
    Danelectro Cool Cat Chorus : Behringer Distortion Modeler : Ernie Ball Volume Pedal : Dunlop Cry Baby Wah

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by ted s
    Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the BMW, looked at his
    watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If
    you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
    let you go.

    The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off
    with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'


    Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.
    Lol! +1
    I can't say that I've given up on a flanger cause I've never liked the effect either. I also can't say the same about Tremolo. I hate them both equally. - Tone2TheBone 2009

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by warren0728
    oh my god i almost spit my drink all over my laptop...thank you....thank you...


    ww
    I laughed so hard my morning bacon and eggs came out my nose!

    also pes laul's joke was pretty funny as well, maybe he should be named Pes LULZ instead, amirite?
    "the emperor is rich, but he cannot buy another year"
    -anonymous chinese person

    "the thief is sorry for being hung, not for being a thief"
    -anonymous

    "We are not nationalities, we are not races, we are not political parties, we are not social classes, we are not cultures, we are not subcultures, and we are not churches, but when all things are said and done, the guns are shot, the riots have died down, one thing is true, and that should preceed all other things, we are, without division: HUMAN BEINGS, is that not good enough an excuse stop shooting people, and letting others starve to death?" -Pie_man_25

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