Funny Jokes, anyone?

[SuperSwede]

*** WARNING possibly offensive joke ***

First Love

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?".....
"Baaaaaaa." said Joe.

[pes_laul]

*** WARNING possibly offensive joke ***

First Love

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?".....
"Baaaaaaa." said Joe.

eeewwww

[Ro3b]

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me a double bourbon straight up."

The bartender brings him his drink, and the guy says, "Let me show you something." He takes a box out of his pocket and puts it on the bar and opens it, and this tiny man in a tuxedo, about a foot tall, gets out of it. He looks around, climbs down off the bar, goes over to the piano in the corner of the room, and starts playing "Fur Elise." It's beautiful.

The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool. Where did you find him?"

The guy says, "Well, I was on my way home from work this afternoon, and I passed by this antique shop and saw an old oil lamp in the window. It looked interesting, so I bought it and took it home. As I was polishing it, a genie popped out and said 'HUZZAH! YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM CENTURIES OF IMPRISONMENT! TO SHOW MY GRATITUDE, I WILL GRANT YOU YOUR HEART'S DESIRE!'"

The bartender says, "So you asked him for a twelve-inch pianist?"

The guy says, "No, not exactly."

[Robert****]

Haha, the genie had a hearing problem?

[ted s]

Not a joke but funny just the same.

[oldguy]

A man's standing at a bus stop when a little old lady walks up behind him with a little dog on a leash. The dog sniffs the man's trousers and lifts a hind leg. The man steps to one side. Again, the dog steps up next to him, sniffs, and lifts a leg. The man moves again. The little old lady says "Don't worry, he doesn't bite".
The man answers dryly... "I wasn't worried about him biting, I thought he was about to kick me in the shin......."

[oldguy]

A drunk stumbles into a bar in Texas. He orders a "large" draft beer, and the bartender brings it in a pitcher. "That's a lot of beer" the drunk says. The bartender answers "You're in Texas, boy, everything's big down heah!"
The drunk finishes the beer and asks where the bathroom is. "Down the hall, first door on the right" the barman answers.
The drunk stumbles down the hall and opens the first door on the left ....which is where the swimming pool is......he steps up next to the water, unzips his pants, and falls face first into the water. As he flounders around in the pool, the maintenance man walks in and slams the door shut.
The drunk screams..... "Don't flush it! Don't flush it!"

[oldguy]

A dude is driving in heavy traffic. Suddenly all the cars in front of him stop. He stomps the brake pedal, but still smashes into the car in front of him.
A man about 3 feet tall jumps out of the car the dude just hit, walks back to the dude's car, hands on his hips, frowning, and yells "I'm not happy!!"
The guy answers...... "OK, which one are you?"

[Spudman***]

After Sunday school little Kimmy goes up to the pastor and says "pastor can I ask you something?" The pastor replies "sure what do you wish to know?"
Little Kimmy asks, "well, is it true that when we die we turn to dust?" The pastor replies "yes that is what the scriptures say." "Well then is it true when we are born we come from the dust?" The pastor replies "yes the scriptures also say this."

Little Kimmy looks away into the distance with a very troubled look on her face. The pastor asks "why the troubled expression little Kimmy?" Kimmy replies "it's just that I looked under my bed this morning and I can't figure out if someone is coming or going."

[oldguy]

Good joke.

[pie_man_25]

/\ +1 hilarious

[Ro3b]

Two blondes were on a hike, and one said, "Oh, look! Deer tracks!"

The other said, "I think those are actually bear tracks."

Then the train hit them.

[Adrian30]

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.
The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''

The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''

The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''

[player***]

A golfer hits his ball off the green and it lands in forested rough.thinking he may be able to get it out he grabs his three wood,with a mighty swing he hits the ball that hits a tree bringing the ball back at him.hits him it the forehead killing him instantly.when he gets to heaven St. Peter asks him are you a good golfer? he says Well I made up here in Two didn't I?

[kiteman]

What's blue and eats brownies?


A person choking to death on one.


ya thought I was gonna say cub scout didn't ya?

[Katastrophe]

A golfer hits his ball off the green and it lands in forested rough.thinking he may be able to get it out he grabs his three wood,with a mighty swing he hits the ball that hits a tree bringing the ball back at him.hits him it the forehead killing him instantly.when he gets to heaven St. Peter asks him are you a good golfer? he says Well I made up here in Two didn't I?

You know why they call it "golf," don't ya?























Because "SH!T" was already taken.

[Ro3b]

So two guys were out golfing -- hm, would this be funnier if they're lawyers? Ok, they're lawyers -- two lawyers were out golfing, and they noticed the two women on the green ahead of them were taking a long time. One of the lawyers says, "I'll go up and ask if we can play through." He goes, but stops and comes back, ashen faced. "I can't talk to them! That's my wife and my mistress!"

The other lawyer says, "Hey, no problem. I'll go." But then he stops and comes back, and he says, "Heh. Small world."

[Algonquin]

*** WARNING possibly ANOTHER offensive joke ***



A man walk into the General Store and sees Ole Blue the Bloodhound, bet over his’self licking his privates.

The man remarks to the clerk with a wink “I shore wish I could to that”!

The clerk replies, “Wall, be careful. . .. He Bites”

[marnold***]

The clerk replies, “Wall, be careful. . .. He Bites”

Alternate ending: "Why don't you just pet him?"