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Thread: Funny Jokes, anyone?

  1. #39
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    A man walks up to a street corner and sees another man with a dog sitting next to him. The first man says, "Sir, does your dog bite?"

    The second man says, "Nope, sure doesn't."

    The first man reaches down to pet the dog, which promptly snaps, biting off the tip of a finger.

    The first man, recoiling in pain, says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"

    The second man says, "That ain't my dog."
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  2. #40
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    I was walking down the street when a hobo approached me and said, "I hadn't had a bite in three days? Can you help me?"

    So I bit him.
    _____

    GUITARS - Carvin DC127M - Carvin Bolt kit
    AMPS - Bogner Alchemist 112 - Blackheart Handsome Devil half stack
    FXs - Roger Linn Adrenalinn III - Boss GT-10
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  3. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by pes_laul
    OK at the beginning of summer when Ms. Dible got a new second grade class she always told her kids to speak in big people words. so when she asked little Sarah what she did for summer she replied "I took a ride on a choo choo" "No! we use big people words you rode on a train." she replied. Then she asked little tommy what He did He replied "I got a new bunny wabbit" "No you got a new rabbit, Remember big people words!" So she then asked little Billy what he did. He replied "I read a book" "Really? What book did you read" she replied. Billy thought about it real hard then puffed out his chest and said....."I read winnie the Sh^t"
    Good one Kris!
    I pick a moon dog.

  4. #42
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    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
    The Law of Gravity is nonsense. No such law exists. If I think I float, and you think I float, then it happens.
    Master Guitar Academy - I also teach via SKYPE.

  5. #43
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    What did the blond say when she discovered she was pregnant?








    "It's not mine."

    "No Tele For you." - The Tele Nazi

    Ha! Tele-ish now inbound.

  6. #44
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    What happened to the crack-dealing demon? He got done for possession. . .

    Where would you find giant snails? At the end of a giant's finger. . .

    Why shouldn't you have sex with a retarded midget? Because it's not big, and it's not clever. . .

    A busload of ugly people crashed and they all died and went to heaven. As they were entering heaven, St. Peter told them that they could each have one wish before they got in. The first person wished to be beautiful, to which St. Peter replied 'Done,' and the person was beautiful. The second person wished to be beautiful as well, 'Done,' replied St. Peter, and they, too, were beautiful. The third person, surprisingly asked for the same thing, and it was done. This went on throughout the entirety of the line - every single person wished to be beautiful until it came to the last person in line - who's face was red with laughter. 'And what is your wish?' asked St. Peter. Barely enough breath to speak, the man replied 'make them all ugly again. . .'

    There is plenty more where they came from. . .

  7. #45
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    As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the
    window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

    When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

    All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door.
    The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,

    "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving the dang SALT TRUCK......."
    The Law of Gravity is nonsense. No such law exists. If I think I float, and you think I float, then it happens.
    Master Guitar Academy - I also teach via SKYPE.

  8. #46
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    I'd missed this thread somehow- glad you picked it back up.

  9. #47
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    Actual Court Transcripts:
    --------------------------
    Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
    A. I refuse to answer that question.
    Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
    A. I refuse to answer that question.
    Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
    A. No.

    -Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?
    A. Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!!

    -Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
    A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

    -Q. What is your name?
    A. Ernestine McDowell.
    Q. And what is your marital status?
    A. Fair.

    -Q. Are you married?
    A. No, I'm divorced.
    Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
    A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

    -Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
    A. I will be three months November 8th.
    Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
    A. Yes.
    Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

    -Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

    -Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
    A. Yes, sir.
    Q. Before or after he died?

    -Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

    -THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from your minds, if you have any.

    -Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
    A. No.
    Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
    A. Picking them up in the air.
    Q. Where was the dog at this time?
    A. Attached to the ears.

    -Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
    MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

    -Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
    A. Oral.
    Q. How old are you?
    A. Oral.

    -Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
    A: She is my daughter.
    Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

    -Q: ...and what did he do then?
    A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
    Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

    -Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
    A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
    Q: It was covered?
    A: Yes, bandaged.
    Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
    A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

    --Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
    A: I could see his head.
    Q: And where was his head?
    A: Just above his shoulders.

    --Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
    A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

    --Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
    A: The victim lived.

    --Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

    --Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
    A: It indicates intercourse.
    Q: Male sperm?
    A. That is the only kind I know.

    --Q: (Showing man picture.) Is that you?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

    --Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
    A: I have only one, you know.

    --Q: And was he dead when you performed the autopsy?
    A: No, you idiot, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
    Guitars
    Wilburn Versatare, '52 FrankenTele(Fender licensed parts), Fender USA Roadhouse Strat, Fender USA Standard B-bender Telecaster, Agile AL 3000 w/ WCR pickups, Ibanez MIJ V300 Acoustic, Squier Precision Bass,
    Amps
    Ceriatone Overtone Special, Musicman 212 Sixty-Five, Fender Blues Jr., Peavey Classic 30, Fender Super Reverb, Traynor YCV-40 WR Anniversary w/ matching 1x12 ext. cab, Epiphone SoCal 50w head w/ matching 4x12 cab (Lady Luck speakers), Avatar 2x12 semi-open back cab w/ Celestion speakers
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    Digitech Bad Monkey, Digitech Jamman, DVM's ZYS, Goodrich volume pedal

  10. #48
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    An old man is setting on his front porch watching a young man walking down the dirt road in front of his house. The young man has something in his hand. The old man is curious and asks the young man what he has in his hand. He said, “Boy, what’s that you got in your hand?” The young man replied, “Well I got me a roll of duct tape and I’m gonna catch me some ducks.” The old man was incredulous and he said, “You’re a damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape.”

    A few hours later the young man was walking down the road and had 20 ducks caught on the duct tape. The old man thought, “well I’ll be. I can’t believe he caught ducks with duct tape.”

    The next morning he saw the same young man walking down the road with a roll of chicken wire in his arms. He asked the young man, “what are you gonna do with that chicken wire?” The young man answered, “well, I’m gonna catch some chickens.” The old man said, “You’re a damn fool, you can’t catch chicken with chicken wire.”

    A few hours later the young man was walking down the road and had 20 chickens caught on the chicken wire. The old man thought, “well, I’ll be. I can’t believe he caught chickens with chicken wire.”

    The very next morning he saw the same young man walking down the road with a stick in his hand. He asked the young man, “what are you doing with that stick in your hand?” The young man answered, “well, this here’s a piece of pussy willow.” The old man said, “Hold on there boy, I’m gonna grab my hat and go with you.”

  11. #49
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    A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

    After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, “If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”

    The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, “Nah, go ahead.”

    Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

    The old cowboy lifts his head up and looks the younger man straight in the eyes, and quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.

    "No Tele For you." - The Tele Nazi

    Ha! Tele-ish now inbound.

  12. #50
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    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
    The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
    The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment. Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
    I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
    Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
    The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
    The auditor's jaw drops.
    Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
    'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
    But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
    'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
    'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

  13. #51
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    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

    "No Tele For you." - The Tele Nazi

    Ha! Tele-ish now inbound.

  14. #52
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    Two dolts were out hunting and got lost in the woods. As they wandered they came upon the tracks.

    Clem: Look! Deer tracks!
    Slim: No they're not. They're bear tracks.
    Clem: No stupid, they're deer tracks.
    Slim: You can't fool me, you know those are bear tracks.

    They argued and argued on the tracks. We'll never know who's right because the train just ran over them.
    _____

    GUITARS - Carvin DC127M - Carvin Bolt kit
    AMPS - Bogner Alchemist 112 - Blackheart Handsome Devil half stack
    FXs - Roger Linn Adrenalinn III - Boss GT-10
    _____

  15. #53
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    What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
    He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
    The Law of Gravity is nonsense. No such law exists. If I think I float, and you think I float, then it happens.
    Master Guitar Academy - I also teach via SKYPE.

  16. #54
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    A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

    "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

    The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

    "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She- tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

    The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
    The Law of Gravity is nonsense. No such law exists. If I think I float, and you think I float, then it happens.
    Master Guitar Academy - I also teach via SKYPE.

  17. #55
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    What is the fastest thing in the world?


    The Englishman said:
    * I would say it is thought, because thought
    is immediate.


    The
    French said:
    * I would say it is light because it is proved that nothing beats
    the speed of light.


    The
    Newfie said:
    * I say that it's diarrhea, because when you have diarrhea,
    You do not even have time to think
    or open the light that you already shit in your pants.
    My SoundClick -- Rubber Band -- Jazz Trio

    --Quebec made 1978 Norman B-30 , Martin Dc 15E , Suzuki Archtop
    -- Fender Start Reissue 57 , Ibanez AR 300 , Peavy Falcon ,Xaviere Xv600,
    -- Fender Telecaster , Charvel_Jackson , Framus Lapsteel
    --Rc boost,Ts9 ,Coolcat-ToD,GGG Fuzz Face, Boss Ce2 , Rc Booster ,Tone driver , Boss dd2 , Boss Gt8 (effects _effects loop)
    --Amp:Traynor Ycv40 wr -- Blackstar HT5-- Car :Toyota Tercel 1999..

    / `--'(
    < [] []////////|:::-)
    \_.--.(

  18. #56
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    The Pentagon announced Monday the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.
    These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrotists:
    1.The season opened today.
    2.There is no limit.
    3.They taste just like chicken.
    4.They don't like beer,pickups,contry music or Jesus:
    5.They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
    The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.

    Sumi
    Guitars,Warmoth Tele,90's Fender Strat Plus/Fender CV 50's Tele/Parker p-36/Fretlight/Custom Strat(Fender body/warmoth Clapton neck,tonerider pups)Larrivee L03 mahogany acoustic

    Amphs/66 Super Reverb/60's Bandmaster head and 2/12 cab/Blues jr//epi valve jr/supro super/ ZT lunchbox/Mahaffay Little Laneilei 3350/Pignose g40v

    Pedals/Voods Rodent/MXR carbon copy/Duncan Pickup booster/Ts9/Rat/ts10/Line 6 tone port uk2
    Line 6 M13

  19. #57
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    Default Norwegian Math Test

    Ole the Norwegian wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.

    Here is your first question, the foreman said. ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’

    ‘Without numbers?’ Ole says, ‘Dat’s easy.’ and proceeds to draw three trees.

    ‘What the hell is this?’ the boss asks.

    ‘Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,’ says Ole.

    ‘Fair enough,’ says the boss. ‘Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.’

    Ole stares off into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. ‘Dar ya go.’

    The boss scratches his head and says, ‘How in the hell do you get that to represent 99?’

    ‘Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.’

    The boss is getting worried that now he might actually have to hire this dumb Norwegian, so he says, ‘All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.’

    Ole stares far into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, ‘Dar ya go. Von hundred.’

    The boss looks at the attempt. ‘You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!’

    Ole leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, ‘A littl e dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.’

    ‘So, ven do I start der ya know? ‘
    The Law of Gravity is nonsense. No such law exists. If I think I float, and you think I float, then it happens.
    Master Guitar Academy - I also teach via SKYPE.

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