Funny Jokes, anyone?

[Spudman***]

Some oxymorons you can use everyday

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation

40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization

35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead

30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence

25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."

20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force

15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly

5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

[sumitomo]

I got some new deodorant and the instructions said,"REMOVE CAP AND PUSH UP BOTTOM"

I can barely walk but when I fart it smells amazing! Sumi

[sumitomo]

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of Kentucky.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away,the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon,eggs and toast.However,John noticed a film like substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather asking,"Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied,"They're as clean as coldwater can get 'em.Just go ahead and finish your meal,Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.Again John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,"Are you sure these plates are clean?"Without looking up the old man said,"I told you before,Sonny,those dished are as clean as coldwater can get 'em.Now don't you fret,I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon,John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving,his grandfather's dog started to growl,and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said,"Grandfather,your dog won't let me get to my car."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on the T.V. the old man shouted,

"COLDWATER,GO LAY DOWN NOW,YAH HEAR ME?"

Sumi

[sumitomo]

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery.He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices,however,that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript.So,the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,it would never be picked up! In fact,that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says,"We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but you make a good point ,my son."

So he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the orginal manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!," his forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollaby.The young monk asks the old abbot,"What's wrong father?"and with A choking voice,the old man replies,The word was

CELEB R ATE! Sumi

[Rampant]

Young woman walks up to a bloke in a bar she quite fancies...

"Hi. My name is Carmen. Two of my favourite things. Cars. And men. What's your name"

A huge grin crosses the bloke's face as he answers... "Boozepussy"

[sumitomo]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.All the patients were shouting,13.....13.....13...'

The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks,so I looked through to see what was going on.............and someone poked me in the eye with a stick!!!!!!!!!!

Then they all started shouting 14...........14.........14.... Sumi

[kiteman]

Heh, that's a good one.

[Robert****]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.All the patients were shouting,13.....13.....13...'

The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks,so I looked through to see what was going on.............and someone poked me in the eye with a stick!!!!!!!!!!

Then they all started shouting 14...........14.........14.... Sumi

[bigG]

That's a good one, sumi!

[sumitomo]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

'Tony,do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am.My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her planegot hit.She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey,a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,killed four more with the knife,till the blade broke,and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands!

'Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher.'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!' Sumi

[sumitomo]

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man,put it in another,and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A british doctor says: "Thats nothing,we can take a lung out of one person,put it in another,and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Canadian doctor says:"In my country medicine is so far advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person,put it in another,and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."A American doctor,not to be outdone,says:"You guys are way behind............We just took a man with NO brain,made him President,and now the whole country is looking for work. Sumi

[Spudman***]

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great scooter?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this scooter,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[Monkus]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a 100 dollars if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl said "NO."
Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for 200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
She agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.. She said "The b*stard used coins!"

[Spudman***]

Understanding Engineers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

[sumitomo]

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded.Indigant,the affluent man replied,"you can't do this-I am a United States congressman!! "Well in that case," replied the mugger, "Give me MY money." Sumi

[sumitomo]

Just My Luck!

After being in prison for 15 years a man excapes.He breaks into a house to look for money and guns,but finds a young couple in bed.He orders the man out of bed and ties him to a chair,then he tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck.Then he gets up and goes into the bathroom.The husband tells his wife,listen this guys a dangerous excaped convict,He probably hasn't seen a woman in years.I saw how he kissed your neck.If he wants to have sex with you,don't complain do whatever he tells you or he might kill us!Be strong honey,I love you,no matter what.The wife responds,"He wasn't kissing my neck,He was whispering in my ear,He told me he was gay and thought you were cute and asked if we had and vaseline,I told him it was in the bathroom,So be strong honey,I love you too,no matter what. Sumi

[Rampant]

Ouch

[oldguy]

Louisiana Ghost Story

This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy 57 just outside of
Dulac, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it
sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

An Ohio businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his disabled vehicle on
the side of the road, and attempted to hitchhike. The night was pitch
dark in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars
went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving slowly,
approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently
crept toward him and stopped. Desperately needing a ride, Saul jumped in
the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was no
one behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the
rain.

Again the car crept silently forward and Saul was terrified, too scared
to think of jumping out and running. He saw that the car was approaching
a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and
beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and
into the bayou and he would then drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared at the driver's
window, reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely
around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through
the window and Saul was alone again.

Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand reappear every time they
reached a curve. Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he could
take, jumped out of the car, and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into Schmoopy's. Voice quavering, he ordered
two cups of coffee, black, and then told everybody about his
supernatural experience.

The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realized
Saul was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).

About 30 minutes later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked into Schmoopy's
and one says to the other, "Look, Boudreaux, der's dat idiot what rode in
our car when we wuz pushin' it in the rain!!!"

[sumitomo]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,so he asks the biker his name.
'Ron'he says
'Ron what?' the office asks.

'Just Ron,the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.So the officer presses him for his last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but he lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.'Tell me,Ron,how did you lose your last name?

The biker replies,'it's a long story,so stay with me.'I was born Ron Dingaling.I know a funny last name.The kids used to make fun of and tease me all the time,so I stayed to myself,studied hard and got good grades.When I got older,I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.I went through medical school and became Ron Dingaling MD.After awhile I got boared being a doctor,so I went to school to become a dentist.After becomming a dentist I was Ron Dingaling MD DDS.Then I starter fooling around with my assistant and got VD so I was Ron Dingaling MD DDS with VD.The ADA found out I had VD and took away my DDS.So I became Ron Dingaling MD with VD.Then the AMA found out the ADA took my DDS because of the VD and took away my MD.So I became Ron Dingaling with VD.After some time the VD took away my Dingaling so that's how I became just Ron. The cop just walked away laughing! Sumi