Funny Jokes, anyone?

[Mr Pants]

I've got a few more but I'm going to ration them out.....

[Mr Pants]

A retro joke - What password does O J Simpson use on his computer?
slash,slash, back slash, escape.

[Robert****]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Mr Pants]

Someone just threw a big block of cheese at me. I said that's not very mature, is it?

[Mr Pants]

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted

[Mr Pants]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, 'I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

[deeaa*]

Lol

[Spudman***]

Colorado Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody.

A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him..

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Denver Broncos, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[Eric***]

Colorado Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody.

A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him..

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Denver Broncos, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Nice. I was sure to read that one line-by-line to avoid peeping, and it was worth it.

[sumitomo]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note,he felt there must be a mistake.He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,"I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said,"No,I want 25 gallons.I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a bath so I can look young and beautiful again."The milkman asked,"Do you want it pasteurized?"The blonde said,"No,just up to my tits.I can splash it on my eyes." Sumi

[Katastrophe]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good one, sumi!

[sumitomo]

It's a proven fact that women can only drive 68 miles per hour,cause when they hit 69 they flip over and blow a rod!! Sumi

[Spudman***]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!

Why are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[bcdon***]

HAHA. Thanks Sumi and Spudman, those are awesome!!

[Spudman***]

When Gene Krupa died, being one of the greatest drummers of all time, he of
course went to heaven. (Gene wasn't perfect, but God appreciates talent). When
Krupa arrived at the pearly gates, St Peter told him that they had him all set
up with his own cloud and a vintage set of Ludwigs, an exact replica of the kit
he used back on earth. He asked Gene if he had any other requests, and Gene
says, "Just one. Now that I'm here, all I want is to be able to play the drums
and not have to worry about Buddy Rich. I hate that SOB, and I don't want to
see, hear, or in any way have to deal with that arrogant bastard ever again."
"No problem," St Peter said. "Consider it done."

So a couple of days later, Gene is jamming away on his cloud, and all of a
sudden he hears some awesome drumming off in the distance. It was so clean and
fast and furious, there was only one person who it could be. Gene was absolutely
livid, so he went straight to St Peter and said "What's the deal? I ask for one
little thing, just one, and before I know it, here comes Buddy Rich. Are you
trying to drive me crazy?"

"Oh, that's not Buddy Rich, " said St Peter. "It's God. He just thinks he's
Buddy Rich."

[kiteman]

This guy decided he wants an unusual pet so he went to a pet store and after looking around bought a centipede. He decided to name him Clyde.

When they got home the guy went about setting up a pad for Clyde to sleep and after the work he said to Clyde, "What say we go hit a bar and down a few suds?"

Clyde said nothing.

After a while the guy said, "C'mon, let's go to the bar."

Still Clyde said nothing.

Exasperated the guy said, "Don't you want to go to a bar with me or not Clyde?"

Clyde said, "I heard you the first time man, I'm putting my shoes on!"

[poodlesrule]

Pokemon: a Jamaican proctologist.



(I have two on staff, neither of them Jamaicans, sadly...!)

[bcdon***]

(I have two on staff, neither of them Jamaicans, sadly...!)

You have two what on staff? Pokemons or proctologists?

[Spudman***]

Seeing Katastrophe's post reminded me of a joke.

Do you know what the definition of "catastrophe" is? It's the award for the kitten with the nicest buns.

I'm lost.