Funny Jokes, anyone?

[Eric***]

There is a party of functions. All the well known ones are there: 4x, x^2, 1/x, Sin(x) and so forth. As the party progresses, one of the functions notices e^x sitting silently in the corner. He goes over to the lonesome function and says "Come on, come and integrate yourself into the party!"
"Why?" replies e^x, "It won't make any difference!"

[msteeln]

This is probably older than the hills, but I just heard it.

A State Trooper pulls over an old country boy in a pickup, then comes to the window and asks 'got any ID?', the geezer turns and says 'about what?'

[Blaze]

A daughter was not returned to her native Ireland for 5 years. One day she comes home, but has not yet crossed the threshold, that his father roundly scolded her.
>> "Where were you all this time, why have nt you written even a line? You never called.
>> Can you understand what your mother has endured? "
>> The girl began to cry "Daddy, I became a prostitute."
>> "What? Out of here, sinner! Girl of easy virtue" You're a disgrace to this Catholic family. "
>> Yes, Dad ... as you want. I'd just bring it to Mom this magnificent mink coat as a savings certificate of $ 5,000.00. And the title for this house with 10 rooms ..
>> And also an invitation to spend the holidays on my yacht. "
>> Dad asks, "What did you say that you had become?"
>> The girl starts to cry.
>> "A prostitute, Dad"
>> Oh God! You scared me. I thought you said: PROTESTANT!

[sunvalleylaw]

Ok, just heard a bad one:

Q: What part of the body is most musical?

. . .


A. Your NOSE! Because you can PICK it, AND BLOW it!

[kiteman]

Ok, just heard a bad one:

Q: What part of the body is most musical?

. . .


A. Your NOSE! Because you can PICK it, AND BLOW it!

But seriously man.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGY6-batEio

[deeaa*]

One of the funniest I've seen in a while:

[oldguy]

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)


Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
"Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too s--- faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a d---head all day long.

[oldguy]

This is a list of state mottos that were rejected in the U.S. They are either real, or made up, I think. Or not.

ALABAMA: Literacy ain't everything
Ya want fries with dat?

ALASKA: Come, freeze your butt off

ARIZONA: Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds

ARKANSAS: At least we're not Mississippi

CALIFORNIA: The Granola State
Nobody's actually from here
Fast reloading lanes available
The really long state

COLORADO: Too wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here
Official home of the winter ski bunny

CONNECTICUT: Way too close to New York

DELAWARE: You'll need a map to find us
So close to Washington you can smell it

FLORIDA: The Gunshine State
Elephant Graveyard; where the old Republicans
go to die
Senior citizen discounts available
Come, enjoy the humidity
The snow capital of the US

GEORGIA: Home of the Rednecks
Gateway to Florida
Confederate money welcome

HAWAII: Sure, we've got Interstates... drive on over
Book 'em Danno
Tom Selik, Jack Lord, Don Ho - Paradise!
Come, get lai-ed

IDAHO: Ain't nothing here
We don't care if you spell potato with an "e"
Land of a billion "eyes"

ILLINOIS: Land of the voting dead
Gateway to Iowa

INDIANA: Home of David Letterman

IOWA: Just east of Omaha
It's easy to spell

KANSAS: Hayfever capital of the Midwest
Dole slept here
There's no place like home
Ya want flat, we got flat

KENTUCKY: Tobacco is a vegetable
We're all related
Gateway to Nashville

LOUISIANA: Swim the beautiful Bayou
Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will
never hurt you

MAINE: For Sale
You can spit on Canada from here

MARYLAND: If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us

MASSACHUSETTS: Home of the young girls from Nantucket,
also the home of Ted Kennedy, hmmmm...

MICHIGAN: Land of the free, home of the Buick

MINNESOTA: Not Sweden, but we try to act like it
Sure beats Canada

MISSISSIPPI: We're lucky we can spell it
Why would you want to come here?

MISSOURI: Gateway to Kansas
Here's mine, Show Me yours
We're better than Illinois

MONTANA: Land of the Big Sky, and very little else
We've got lots of 10'x10' shacks in the woods
It's where you're wanted.
At least our cows are sane.

NEBRASKA: More corn than Kansas
Go to Kansas, turn north

NEVADA: More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too)
2 words - Death Valley
3:5 you'll leave broke
We have our own nuclear testing site

NEW HAMPSHIRE: Like Old Hampshire, only newer
About as exciting as Vermont

NEW JERSEY: You have the right to remain silent,
You have the right to an attorney...
Tell 'em Guido sent ya

NEW MEXICO: Lizards make excellent pets
We have reservations
Alien Welcome Center - Roswell

NEW YORK: At least we're not New Jersey!
We're more than a big city; we're a state
Like we CARE about a motto
English spoken here; sometimes

NORTH CAROLINA: Five million people; Fifteen last names
We're bigger than South Carolina

NORTH DAKOTA: The OTHER South Dakota

OHIO: Don't judge us by Cleveland
Proud polluters of Lake Erie
We're easy to spell

OKLAHOMA: We're OK, you're NOT!
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto

OREGON: As pretty as California but not as weird
We're not named after a musical instrument
You can see the sunset from here

PENNSYLVANIA: Cook with coal
Free lub job with oil change

RHODE ISLAND: Size ain't everything
Nobody famous came from Rhode Island

SOUTH CAROLINA: Just south of North Carolina

SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer than North Dakota

TENNESSEE: The Educashun State
Thank goodness we've still got Elvis
A great fixer-upper

TEXAS: Si Hablo Ingles
See, EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!

UTAH: Our Jesus is better than your Jesus
At least our sheep can't talk

VERMONT: Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns

VIRGINIA: Please don't confuse us with West Virginia!

WASHINGTON: We like our state, so STAY OUT!

WEST VIRGINIA: Where "family values" has a different meaning

WISCONSIN: Land of funny accents.
Say "Cheeeese"

WYOMING: Where men are lonely and sheep are scared

[oldguy]

The Statements Car Owners are Really Making


Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I
have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for
Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes
when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than
no convertible at all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the
shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune
off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be
inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior
than Isuzu
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife

[oldguy]

(This is one of those stupid e-mails forwarded me by a relative.....but still funny.)

"These are alleged to be some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews: "


Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

[Blaze]

[sumitomo]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane.The woman sneezed,took out a tissue,gently wiped her nose,then visbly shuddered for fifteen seconds.
The man went back to reading a magazine but,a few minutes later,the woman sneezed again,took a tissue out,wiped her nose then shuddered violently.
Well this went on for some time and evertime the man just went back to reading his magazine.
Finally the man couldn't take it and asked the woman Are you okay?
The woman answered "Im sorry if I disturbed you,but I have a very rare medical condition-whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
"I've never heard of that condition,the man answered."Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes,the woman said."PEPPER." Sumi

[sumitomo]

A few minutes before church services started,the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly,Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance,trampling over each other in a frantic effort to leave the church.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,seemingl oblivious to the fact that's GOD'S ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said,"Do you know who I am?
The man replied,"Yep,sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?"Satan asked
"Nope,sure ain't" said the man
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?"asked Satan
"Don't doubt it for a minute,"replied the old man in a calm voice.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound,horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep,was the calm reply.
"And your still not afraid?"asked Satan
"Nope,"said the old man
More than a little perturbed,Satan asked"Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The old man calmly replied,"Been married to your sister for 48 years."



Sumi

[oldguy]

THE DEAD DUCK

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$250?" she cried, "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $250

[oldguy]

In Church the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[oldguy]

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk
from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the
saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to
buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.
The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay
you twenty dollars for that cat.” And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat. The
collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old
saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.” And the owner
says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight
cats.”

[oldguy]

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

[Blaze]

Translation : WHO ELSE HAS SLEPT WITH TIGER ?

[deeaa*]

Here's some Finnish cartoons from the biggest newspaper of the country:

(This guy makes the funniest cartoons in years)


Kinda like Gary Larson, whose work I always loved...often no translation necessary. And usually much more anarchy in the strips than Larson.

Here's a more controversial strip from a few days back:



Translation: 'Haa! So you are followers of Jesus? - The lions will have a tasty meal out of you - you're very welcome!'

Or:



'Shitty weather'

Or:



1st: 'I'm gonna go teach the son some swimming'
2nd: ' I just counted I have nine holes in me. May I now count your holes?'

LOL...very Finnish humour I guess.