I've got two:
One day, an IRS agent is giving an elderly man an audit, the man walks into the office and asks "can I bring in my attourney?" the agent answers "why yes you can, it's really quite common, we're really just observing that you have large spending habits, and yet no employment, how can that be so?" the old man answers, "I gamble". The agent, and educated man, does not see much possibility, and so states his disbelief, "how so?". The old man says "it's smart gambling, an example: I bet $3,000 I can bite my left eye"
the agent, knowing that he can't bite his own eye agrees. To his dismay, the man pulls out a glass eye, bites it, and puts back into the left socket. the old man then says " I bet $3,000 I can bite my right eye", the IRS man agrees, seeing that this man doesn't have two glass eyes. His jaw drops as he sees the man pull out some dentures and bite his right eye. the old man says "I'll give you double or nothing: $6,000 that I can pee on one side of your desk onto the garbage can on the other side of the desk wiithout getting a drop anywhere else" The IRS agent agrees, seeing that he doesn't want to lose six-thousand, and also that this man can NOT pull off this stunt. so the old man gets to the desk's side, unzips, and pees ALL OVER THE DESK, the IRS man was relieved, he then proceeds to ask "why the hell is your attourney bashing his head against the wall?" and the old man grins and replies: "I bet HIM $100,000 that I could pee all over your desk and you'd be HAPPY about it!"
a woman is teaching a kindergarden class, and she gives all of her students some life-savers. She has them figure out all of the flavours of the candies, and they had an easy time doing it until she gave them the honey-flavoured ones. She gives them a hint "It's what mommy calls daddy sometimes!", and one of the little girls spits it out of her mouth and yells out "Oh my god they're ASSHOLES!!!!"
"the emperor is rich, but he cannot buy another year"
-anonymous chinese person
"the thief is sorry for being hung, not for being a thief"
-anonymous
"We are not nationalities, we are not races, we are not political parties, we are not social classes, we are not cultures, we are not subcultures, and we are not churches, but when all things are said and done, the guns are shot, the riots have died down, one thing is true, and that should preceed all other things, we are, without division: HUMAN BEINGS, is that not good enough an excuse stop shooting people, and letting others starve to death?" -Pie_man_25