Blues ABC's
This is located on the Kinman web site and I thought it should have a home here too.
The rules of the blues
1. Most blues begin "I woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. "I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town."
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars are Chevies, Fords, Cadillacs, and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. You can't have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. mauve
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues: a. the highway b. the jailhouse c. the empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass Bad places: a. Nordstrom's b. Gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: a. you older than dirt b. you blind c. your first name is a southern state like Georgia. d. you shot a man in Memphis. e. you can't be satisfied. No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you once were blind but now can see. c. the man in Memphis lived c. you have a 401K or a trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee Blues beverages are NOT: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim-Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or dying lonely on a broken-down cot. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment or a tennis match.
16. Some Blues names for Women a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Lightning
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. It doesn't matter how tragic your life is: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.
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Originally Posted by tremoloman
:
THAT'S the blues!!! Good-bye, GAS funds..... 