Blues ABC's

[Spudman***]

This is located on the Kinman web site and I thought it should have a home here too.

The rules of the blues
1. Most blues begin "I woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. "I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town."
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars are Chevies, Fords, Cadillacs, and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. You can't have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. mauve
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues: a. the highway b. the jailhouse c. the empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass Bad places: a. Nordstrom's b. Gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: a. you older than dirt b. you blind c. your first name is a southern state like Georgia. d. you shot a man in Memphis. e. you can't be satisfied. No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you once were blind but now can see. c. the man in Memphis lived c. you have a 401K or a trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee Blues beverages are NOT: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim-Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or dying lonely on a broken-down cot. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment or a tennis match.
16. Some Blues names for Women a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Lightning
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. It doesn't matter how tragic your life is: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.

[SuperSwede]

Amazing. This should be a sticky post

[Robert****]

Fantastic! It has been stickied.

[Iago]

HAHAhahahaHAHHAHAHAhahaha... Man, that made me laugh!! Specially the 19th!

[tremoloman***]

Nice post!

I think a could of items I'd add to the list are:

You cannot play the blues if:

• Your guitar has any sharp jagged or pointed edges
• Your guitar has a punk band sticker on it

You can play the blues if:

• Your guitar is named after a woman who dumped you and broke your heart leaving an eternal emotional scar
• You name your 1st born 'Muddy', 'Willie', or 'B.B.'

Hey... I gave it a shot! :P

[SuperSwede]

You cannot play the blues if:
Your guitar has any sharp jagged or pointed edges

Are you sure???

[Tim]

This is very good stuff. I like the lesson on how to sing the "blues". I take exception to #20. If I have a computer and it does not work, then I definitely got the blues.

[bluesbreaker]

There goes my "Low-Down Malware Virus Blues" song!! Here and I thought it would be a hit, too.

Great post!

[doomhauer]

Heheh... saw this somewhere else recently and it cracks me up especially 18

No matter how many men they shoot in Memphis

[ShortBuSX]

But is it sticky worthy?

[Spudman***]

But is it sticky worthy?

To ask that question implies that you do not know what the blues is. For that you must either loose your woman, your home, your guitar or you can take the easy way out and send a financial donation to Robert to help support this web site.

[oldguy]

To ask that question implies that you do not know what the blues is. For that you must either loose your woman, your home, your guitar or you can take the easy way out and send a financial donation to Robert to help support this web site.

I've already done that. When do the blues kick in? (Check list...lost.....)
(Woman...check...)
(Home...check...)
(Guitar...check...)
(Donation...check...)
OOOooohhh...
I oughta be able to play those blues shortly now...
Already lived the blues, might as well start playin' 'em...

[Spudman***]

I've already done that. When do the blues kick in? (Check list...lost.....)
(Woman...check...)
(Home...check...)
(Guitar...check...)
(Donation...check...)
OOOooohhh...
I oughta be able to play those blues shortly now...
Already lived the blues, might as well start playin' 'em...

(bowing reverently before you) Ahhhhhhh. You are most worthy and kin (now putting arm around shoulder). Follow me to the bar. We have much to talk about.


Look on the bright side...you didn't say you lost your luggage. Nobody ever writes blues songs about luggage anyway.

[oldguy]

(bowing reverently before you) Ahhhhhhh. You are most worthy and kin (now putting arm around shoulder). Follow me to the bar. We have much to talk about.


Look on the bright side...you didn't say you lost your luggage. Nobody ever writes blues songs about luggage anyway.

Nope, still got that one piece of Samsonite in OD green.
And the rest was over a decade ago...I'm over that bridge and into a new age of enlightenment. Sans the bars, thank goodness.
"Be kind to others"...I like that..."and ignore those who are incapable of being kind to you, if possible.

"Well, I didn't lose my suitcase, and my dog, he's still my friend,"
"Yeah, I didn't lose my sootcase, an' mah dog, he' still mah friend,"
"I'll play this gitar, an' she'll love me, right up until the bitter end"

"Go, ahead, tell 'em 'bout it, Madeline..."

[tot_Ou_tard]

Nope, still got that one piece of Samsonite in OD green.

Man Oldy, I don't know what to think. You are either waaaay cool, a genius, or tooooo obsessed. You're the only guy I know who overdrives his luggage.

So how did you modify that tubscreamer to push that baggage to the edge of breakup?

"Well, I didn't lose my suitcase, and my dog, he's still my friend,"
"Yeah, I didn't lose my sootcase, an' mah dog, he' still mah friend,"
"I'll play this gitar, an' she'll love me, right up until the bitter end"

"Go, ahead, tell 'em 'bout it, Madeline..."

[step on Samsonite OD] BrrrrrrruuuuuuuMMMM! BOOOM![/step]

Damn! dere she went!

[Spudman***]

"Go, ahead, tell 'em 'bout it, Madeline..."

Madeline!!?? That's a Winger song. They aren't blues. Man you really are into a new age.

[oldguy]

Madeline!!?? That's a Winger song. They aren't blues. Man you really are into a new age.

Boy, do you ever have a short memory!
You don't remember Maddie Brown?

[Spudman***]

Boy, do you ever have a short memory!
You don't remember Maddie Brown?

Sorry. I musta had too many toasted marshmallows or sumtin. Thanks for the memory jog. Hey! That's exercise- memory jog.

[ShortBuSX]

BTW, I heard a John Lee Hooker JR song the other day...that started out with...
"I got a text message from my baby..."

and I immediately thought of this thread.