GOD CREATES SIDEMEN

And so the great Leader Nebulon did embark upon a search for suitable Sidemen for his orchestra, and he could find none; for in those days there were not many, and those that he could find were already working; Some worked the Ark with the House of Noah, and some had the house gig at The Walls of Jericho. And many played behind the scat-singing team of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednago. So Nebulon did return to the Lord and saith, “Lord, there are many musicians, but no Sidemen!”, and he rent his clothing.

And the Lord did say, “Shmuck! Have you looked everywhere? Did you call the Union?”

And Nebulon did say, “Lord, I have looked high and low, especially low, and only one or two could I find. What shall I do?” And the Lord did afflict Nebulon with boils, saying “Leave me to think on this!” And just to buy some time he did also visit a plague of locusts on Egypt.
And the Lord did summon a league of Angels, and sent them forth over the land, commanding them to find him some Sidemen. And the Angels did go to the four corners of the earth, but the only unemployed Sideman they could find was one holy man in India who did play the horn with the slide.
So with great fear the Angels did return to the Lord with the bad news, and filled with wrath he was. “How can this be? At one time the world did teem with Sidemen, as a dead oxen does with maggots!”
And the Angels did say, “Lord, many left the business, many have become idiots, and some have even become Leaders, and no Leader will work for another Leader.” So the Lord did cause drought for 40 days while he thought, and the answer came to him. He did recall that there was a factory, part of his Beasts Of The Field, Inc. division that was in disuse. For it had been used to create golems, for which there had been no great demand, and so He had closed down the operation. And He thought, “We can retool, and start turning out Sidemen”.
And so it was done, and the Sidemen started rolling off the assembly line. But somehow a remnant of the golem program remained, and the Sidemen did come out acting unpredictably. Some stammered and stuttered, some talked to themselves under their breath, and some would not bathe. Some refused to shave their beards or to have their hair shorn, and some refused to wear the Jobbing Toga. And some wore the Toga, but left them crumpled in their chariots in between Gigs, or slept in them, or wore Togas from eons past, with ruffles. And some did not believe in maps, and wandered the land aimlessly looking for the Gig, and some did not believe in the use of the hourglass, and arrived at the Gig whenever they chose. And some loved the wine of dates, and some loved the burning of hemp. And some were created without ears, and some with knuckles where their eyebrows should be.
And some did worship the gods Trane, Jaco, Mahavishnu and Ornette, and mocked their Leaders. And some did steal food from the buffet line, yea, even before the Guests had dined. And some did try to lay with the Chick Singers, and some with the Guests. And some did not Read, and some could only Read, and not Blow. And some had no Social skills, and some had no Musical skills. And many of them were Dark, not in pigmentation of the skin, but in the Outlook on Life. But every once in a while the line did produce a Perfect Sideman; One who followed orders without question; One who showed up on time; One who wore the Toga; One whose chariot always ran; One who Knew Tunes; But these Perfect Sidemen were few and far between, and besides their eyes were glazed, and they were shunned, for they were Boring, and knew not how to Hang. And soon the land teemed with Sidemen milling about, looking for Gigs, complaining and whining and arguing and occasionally stabbing each other in the back.
And the Lord looked down upon his work, and said, “It will do”.
And so it was that a decree was issued by The Office of Noah to the leader Nebulon, and Nebulon gathered his minions together. "Rejoice!" he said, "for we have a Job! And it is during the afternoon of a weekday, and it is the slow season!" And the men of the House of Nebulon did rejoice. "Is it a wedding?" one asked. "Is it a mitzvah?" cried another. "Is it a war?" tremulously asked another. "No, my children, it is a Corporate Gig. The client is the Pharaoh Ramesses, and it is the Dedication of his new Pyramid Complex!"
And the men did dance for joy. "Gather your finest raiment and marshall the chariots, for we leave immediately!” cried Nebulon, "for we must cross the desert in order to make the gig on time!"
And the musicians of Nebulon did scurry to their hovels and gather their finest clothing, and their instruments, and their water-bags and cheese-wheels, and all set off across the Great Desert, and their number was great. Presently they arrived at The Pyramid Complex, whereupon they were stopped by a Warrior. "What business have you here?" he asked, eyeing the horde with suspicion. "We have no need of more slaves, as the Pyramids are completed."
"We have come to provide music for the Pharaoh," Nebulon told the guard. "I am the Great Leader Nebulon, of the House of Noah the Contractor." "Wait here," the guard said, and rode off to get clearance.
Two days did the host of Nebulon wait until the guard returned, saying, "You are to go to the Pyramid of Cheops for your Security badges."
"Our thanks, esteemed guardian," said Nebulon, and they set off for the Pyramid of Cheops. And it was not until the setting of the sun that they arrived at the Pyramid of Cheops. "We are of The House of Noah the Contractor, and we have arrived to play music for the great Pharaoh 5 days hence. We have come for our Security badges."
"Wait here," the guard said, and rode off for instructions. At dawn he returned with a scroll of papyrus. "Enter here all of your names, as well as descriptions of your musical instruments, and the license plates of your chariots, and the names of your horses." With much grumbling this was done. And each man was given a medallion of copper to wear about his neck at all times, upon penalty of death. "And now thou art to take your chariots to the Pyramid of Khufu, there to unload your equipment."
"And we are to perform there?" asked Nebulon, with hope in his voice. "Truly I know not," saith the guard, "but I have heard whispers in the winds that the pageant is to be held at the Pyramid of Gizeh." "Then may we not take our instruments and chariots directly to that Pyramid?" "It is not my job to know anything," the guard said, and wandered off to cook a jackal to break his fast.
And so the men went to the Pyramid of Khufu, and indeed were made to unload their instruments, the horns of brass and the reeds, and the drums and cymbalons, and the bells and ouds and zithars and santours and zarbs, and made to carry them by hand to the Pyramid of Gizeh, a mile away.
And when they had arrived at the Pyramid of Gizeh with their horns of brass and the reeds, and the drums and cymbalons, and the bells and ouds and zithars and santours and zarbs, they were met by a Flunky who inquired of Nebulon, "Art thou the band?" And this is how Nebulon acquired the name He Who Seeth Not The Forest For The Trees, for he replied, "Yes, we are."
The Flunky looked them over with dismay, for they were dusty and their feet bled and were bound by rags. "I think I shall put you in the corner."
So the Men of Nebulon did set up their instruments, their horns of brass and the reeds, and the drums and cymbalons, and the bells and ouds and zithars and santours and zarbs, in the corner, and settled in to wait for the appearance of the Pharaoh. But presently did appear a stunning young woman who sniffed the air with suspicion, and asked for Nebulon. "Who told thou to set up here?" she cried. "This is all wrong!"
"But it was certainly your Flunky who instructed us thus," moaned Nebulon, prostrating himself at her feet.
"No, no, and no! You will have to move to the other side of the Pyramid!"
"But is that not the side that the sun shines on at noon?" cried a sideman. "That is no concern of mine," said the Party Planner. "That is where you will look the best." "But is that not next to the Plain of Camel-Herders, who curse and beat their animals all day long?" cried another sideman. "Then thou will have to play loud, I guess," said the Painted Woman. "And is not the pageant to take place here?" asked Nebulon. "Yes, but thou are hired merely for atmosphere. And by the way, where are your turbans? Did we not ask for turbans? Get thee hence!"
And she left to consort with a hyena, and the men of Nebulon got hence. And so for three days the Band of Nebulon did play in the sun for the Camel-Herders and the occasional lost guest, and for the jackals and vultures, and during the night they were assailed by the Women Who Sold Themselves and by Thieves and Cut-throats. And they ate sand and the occasional sand-rat, and had no wine to drink. And some of the men did slip away into the night to become Bedouins, and to raid caravans.
And on the last day of the gig did finally appear the Great Pharaoh Ramesses, who looked drunkenly upon them, and inquired of no one in particular, "We had a band?" And then he staggered back to his guests. And so it was that The House of Noah the Contractor and The House of Nebulon the Bandleader were able to say that they had worked for The Great Pharaoh.
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