Funny Jokes, anyone?

[ibanezjunkie]

Ole the Norwegian wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’

‘Without numbers?’ Ole says, ‘Dat’s easy.’ and proceeds to draw three trees.

‘What the hell is this?’ the boss asks.

‘Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,’ says Ole.

‘Fair enough,’ says the boss. ‘Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.’

Ole stares off into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. ‘Dar ya go.’

The boss scratches his head and says, ‘How in the hell do you get that to represent 99?’

‘Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.’

The boss is getting worried that now he might actually have to hire this dumb Norwegian, so he says, ‘All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.’

Ole stares far into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, ‘Dar ya go. Von hundred.’

The boss looks at the attempt. ‘You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!’

Ole leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, ‘A littl e dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.’

‘So, ven do I start der ya know? ‘

Robert, this deserves a 3x3

[Robert****]

Us Swedes love Norwegian jokes!
We'd do anything to poke fun at those neighbours of ours.

[sumitomo]

I don't know if this is really funny cause it's true. Back in the 1880's California became a state.The people had no electricity,the state had ne money,Almost everyone spoke Spanish,there were gunfights in the streets,So basically,nothing has changed except the women had real boob's and the men didn't hold hands!!!!! Sumi

[Robert****]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$80,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is???!!!"

[pie_man_25]

I've got two:
One day, an IRS agent is giving an elderly man an audit, the man walks into the office and asks "can I bring in my attourney?" the agent answers "why yes you can, it's really quite common, we're really just observing that you have large spending habits, and yet no employment, how can that be so?" the old man answers, "I gamble". The agent, and educated man, does not see much possibility, and so states his disbelief, "how so?". The old man says "it's smart gambling, an example: I bet $3,000 I can bite my left eye"
the agent, knowing that he can't bite his own eye agrees. To his dismay, the man pulls out a glass eye, bites it, and puts back into the left socket. the old man then says " I bet $3,000 I can bite my right eye", the IRS man agrees, seeing that this man doesn't have two glass eyes. His jaw drops as he sees the man pull out some dentures and bite his right eye. the old man says "I'll give you double or nothing: $6,000 that I can pee on one side of your desk onto the garbage can on the other side of the desk wiithout getting a drop anywhere else" The IRS agent agrees, seeing that he doesn't want to lose six-thousand, and also that this man can NOT pull off this stunt. so the old man gets to the desk's side, unzips, and pees ALL OVER THE DESK, the IRS man was relieved, he then proceeds to ask "why the hell is your attourney bashing his head against the wall?" and the old man grins and replies: "I bet HIM $100,000 that I could pee all over your desk and you'd be HAPPY about it!"

a woman is teaching a kindergarden class, and she gives all of her students some life-savers. She has them figure out all of the flavours of the candies, and they had an easy time doing it until she gave them the honey-flavoured ones. She gives them a hint "It's what mommy calls daddy sometimes!", and one of the little girls spits it out of her mouth and yells out "Oh my god they're ASSHOLES!!!!"

[kiteman]

That last one got me.

[Spudman***]

Three men married.

The first man married a woman from Michigan . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Texas . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Idaho . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[ibanezjunkie]

a man and his daughter are sitting at the table eating breakfast.

DAUGHTER: Daddy, whats the best thing in the world?

FATHER: its you, darling i dont even have to think.

DAUGHTER hmm, well...for me its Sausages.


im not sure if thats funny but it sure makes me laugh.

[sumitomo]

Bob was leaving the early morning worship service one Sunday morning,when his friend Sam noticed that his friend Bob had a black eye.Sam asked Bob how he got the shiner.Bob told Sam,You know,when we stood up to sing a hymm,I noticed that Mrs. Jones had her skirt stuck in the folds of her butt.So,I thought it would be ok to lightly tug on her skirt to release it from being stuck in her butt.And all of a sudden she turned and socked me in the eye knocking me backwards over the pew.Bob told Sam I know better that to do that again.Well two weeks later Sam noticed Bob had another black eye.Sam asked Bob,You didn't tug on Mrs. Jones skirt again did you? OH! Hell no! Bob said,I figured she liked it that way,So I tucked it back in.


Who would ever think that President Obama would sign his stimulus package at the same desk that President Clinton got his package stimulated!


Sumi

[Robert****]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the heck was that all about?"

-------
Here is a joke for ya.
I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?"

-------
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio?

[Spudman***]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the heck was that all about?"

That's awesome!

[bedroom rocker]

a man from new zealand spent four years training a household fly to do amazing tricks, upon command it could backflip, moonwalk and even sing frank sinatra songs. so one day this man decides to take the fly to a bar and show it off. he walks into a bar and approaches the bartender. he says "look, ive got this amazing fly that can do a variety of tricks, can i get a spot on stage tonight?"
the bartender is sceptical: "ok, show us then" so the guy pulls the fly out of his matchbox, and the fly lands on the bar. "moonwalk!" he says, and the fly starts moonwalking better than michael jackson. the bartender says "thats amazing!! i can get you an agent, hes on the phone there in the corner, go up and say hi!" so the man approaches the agent whos on the phone, pulls out the fly and sits it on the phone book. before he could give it a command, the agent hangs up the phone, slams his fist down on the phonebook and says "bloody flies, now what can i do for you?"

[sumitomo]

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize and play games.The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be hosts,Janet wanted to outdo all the others.Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak,but the mushrooms were too expensive.
Her husband Al said,Why dont you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?There are alot of them there.
His wife Janet answered aren't they poisonous? Al replyed no I see the dog eating them all the time and he's still alive.
So Al picked a bunch of mushrooms,and they had a big shindig with lots of folks from the Church and everyone loved the mushroom steaks,they even had a server help.
After dinner was finished the server went up to Janet and told her Mrs Janet your dog is dead.Janet ran to Al to tell him this news and they decided to call the hospitial and see what to do.So everyone had their stomachs pumped and a enimmea.After they were finished they were all sitting in the livingroom feeling lousy,and the server went to Janet and told her and the man who ran over the dog didn't even stop. Sumi

[Spudman***]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the _ _ _ _ out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago.....'

[sumitomo]

My wife and I were watching "Who wants to be a millionaire"while we were in bed.I turned to her and said,"Do you want to have sex?"
"No,"she answered.
I then said,"Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time,simply saying,"Yes."
So I said,"Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started................... Sumi

[kiteman]

My wife and I were watching "Who wants to be a millionaire"while we were in bed.I turned to her and said,"Do you want to have sex?"
"No,"she answered.
I then said,"Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time,simply saying,"Yes."
So I said,"Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started................... Sumi

Heh, good one.

[Robert****]

Sounds like sumi needed an extra lifeline there... hehe

[Spudman***]

Ole, had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. "Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer.



Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."


"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!' "?


Ole said, "Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Minnesota Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he i s a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move.

However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said,


"How are you feeling?''


"Now vat the hell vould YOU say?"

[sumitomo]

A man was sunbathing naked on the beach.For the sake of civility,and to keep from getting sunburned,he had his hat over his private parts.
A women walks past and says,snickering,"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself. Sumi